Home Is Where The Heart Is:
We spent our summer prepping our house to list it on the market. Not ideal- I would have loved to have been floating around a pool somewhere with a good book in my hand. Alas, it had to be done. My goal was to have everything finished by the time I had to return to school. I knew that there was no way I would have energy to work on house projects while working full time; post-cancer me is still struggling with maintaining energy for the 16+ hours days that I must pull sometimes.
In all honesty, I was thankful to return to school because that meant a physical break from the painting, scrubbing, packing, and the like. We finally were in the place where we wanted to start looking for a new home since ours was now ready to list. We had prayed hard daily for God to either open the door or close it so we would know where He wanted our family to move. We found a house almost immediately upon starting our search that we loved. It was only 15 minutes from my school and was on a lake. We had contacted a realtor who worked for the Homes for Heroes program who came and showed us the house. Unfortunately, through circumstances, the house went under contract quickly. In the meantime, we listed our home and continued our search. Each house we looked at was a little worse than the one before. We wanted land so we could park our RV and not be on top of a neighbor. After 14 years in a subdivision, we had no intention on returning to one. We knew that God was leading us elsewhere, we just had no idea where that was. We clung to Isaiah 58:11 and knew that He would guide us and provide us a home for our family. To even be able to do this after the year we went through was nothing short of a miracle in and of itself. We kept saying, that if God can demolish cancer, He surely can find us a house. It felt like another big step of faith- to be looking for another home not quite a year post-diagnosis. We prayed that God would open doors or shut them through this process if it wasn’t what He wanted us to do; we had a peace that only can come from Him and so many things started to fall into place, letting us know that it was time, scary for sure, but it was time to take that step.
It wasn’t without stress, however. We found a buyer fairly quickly for our home, but it fell through as did several other offers. We had prayed hard for the family that would be moving in- that God would utilize this home to bless them and their family with amazing memories as He had us. God had walked us through the highest of highs and the lowest, darkest hours of our lives in that home. We prayed that He would direct someone there that would love it as much as we had. God works in ways to let you know that He is guiding your steps. During the home inspection, the buyer’s realtor knew my co-worker and her children attend the same school as my girls. The man buying our home was so nice and had lots of questions about all the projects we did in the house- he and his wife loved them. This made our hearts happy.
One night after looking at a home that was so bad (you rode a floor wave as you walked across the home due to flooding and buckled flooring) which wasn’t disclosed before we took the journey all the way to St. Augustine to see it. I found myself crying over the Sonny’s menu wondering what God was doing. We had to be out of our home in 3 weeks and had no where to go. I felt God laying it on my heart to lift the search parameters in Zillow and just search in the Jacksonville area. “Okay God, this is no where near where we thought we were heading” I thought, but I did it. Three listings down was our dream property. I remember getting chills after clicking on it and then handing the phone to Craig to look at it. We left after dinner and drove straight there after confirming with our realtor that we could go see it. We pulled up as the sun was setting. Craig and I both looked at each other with grins on our faces and chills on our arms, knowing God alone had led us there. Was it in St. Johns county? Nope. Anywhere near my school? Not at all. When you are saved, you give Jesus the keys to direct your life. We had prayed so hard over God’s direction but had been looking in the wrong place the whole time. Craig and I drove back out there that Saturday and the owner was on his porch. We talked to him and he gave us his golf cart to drive over the 5 acres of property we were interested in. It turns out that the people right next door we have known for years. We still were very uncertain but prayed hard over the course of the next week as to whether we should make an offer or not. I asked myself, Craig, and Jesus so many times throughout this process, “What are we doing?” I was scared of a lot of things- things I won’t even voice. We were walking around the neighborhood one night, trying to decide if we should put in an offer. I was voicing how scared I was of selling the only home our girls knew and moving on when I’m not even a year out yet. Our realtor chose right then to text us with our closing date- October 7th. I immediately started the ugly cry. God knew how scared I was to start this new chapter when my world dropped out from underneath me last year on that date. So, He was trying to let me know that I was going to start a new chapter this year, one of restoration and excitement. WOW! We felt God speak loud and clear, so we sent in the offer the next day. It was accepted. Oh my word!!! My daddy has since drawn up our house plans- I cannot even begin to tell you what a dream that was of mine. I had dreamed and wished that one day he would be able to help me design our house. A pipe dream for sure. This time last year, I never would have thought it possible. God is making beauty from the ashes just as Isaiah 61:3-4 states. I am overwhelmed, undeserving, but incredibly grateful to God for His blessings.
Craig and I have prayed over this property- we are praying that God will allow us to utilize it to be a blessing to others and minister to them there. We can’t wait to share it with whom God leads there. So many have told us upon our sharing our news that they had prayed that God wouldn’t take us away from our community here. Well, God indeed answered those prayers. I am so thankful as well because you guys have walked me through so much and I can’t imagine being far away.
In the meantime, we are RVing it. Praise God that we bought this RV two years ago and have loved camping in it. I’m not sure how well we will like it at the end of 6-8 months while our home is being built. We will need your prayers for sure. A coworker of mine told me the other day, “Kristen, this is an adventure. You survived cancer; you can survive anything.” I will need to remind myself that with Jesus nothing is impossible. I am praying that we will enjoy these next several months instead of wishing them away- each day is a gift; I pray I’m continually mindful of that.
A Year Ago, Today:
Facebook is notorious for doing “On This Day” memories that can bring sadness or joy depending on the images that pop up. For me October 7th for the last several years has been difficult. It is my Mimi’s birthday. She was someone so important to me and her birthday has been bittersweet over the last few years. I miss her every day. She was feisty and stood her ground for things she believed in. She was a military wife that was strong and resilient. I don’t think it was a coincidence (remember I believe in God-ordained moments in your life) that last year, on her birthday I was diagnosed with cancer. God knew I would need her example for the hours, days, and months ahead to fight the hardest battle for my life.
I can hardly believe that it has been a year. Last year after the doctors left my room after dropping the “cancer” bomb, I couldn’t breathe nor think past the next 5 minutes, let alone a year down the road. Thinking about the next year was overwhelming and downright terrifying. I had no idea what was going to be in store for me through this journey. God repeatedly told me to “Be Still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10 and that “The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still” Exodus 14:14.
God stood with me and gave me strength (2 Timothy 4:17) to keep doing the next thing; to fight through chemo, brain and lung surgeries, infections, chemo port surgeries, PICC lines, being bald, weakness, exhaustion, loneliness, fear, and the unknown. God was so faithful to show up every day- to be a tangible presence in my life. I have never felt God like I have these last 365 days. I have come to know the Father in a way I never would have had I not walked through this valley. You have heard me quote “Scars” before, but it still so resonates with me and my heart after this journey. I am thankful for the scars as a reminder of who God is and what He has done for me. I am not who I was before– that girl no longer exists. She is stronger than she ever thought possible because she relied on God’s strength, not her own in a way she never had before. I am nine months post-treatment. There are days I handle the journey well and others when the fear and Satan’s what-ifs fight for my peace of mind, especially now that we have stepped out in faith and are building our dream home on property we have dreamed about for over a decade. Satan would love for me to not live- to be paralyzed with fear and not move forward with what God wants me to do. I can’t be effective for Christ, reaching others for Jesus if I am paralyzed with fear and not moving forward. Don’t get me wrong, there are days where it is so very hard to put one foot in front of the other- pulling the covers over my head sounds like a really good option sometimes. However, God has not given me “a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Timothy 1:7. I question that sound mind sometimes, because #chemobrain. I cannot, but God can! God is greater than any giants you face. He is already in your tomorrows, in your uncertainties and He has a good plan for your life. His word says it- He cannot be anything but truthful and keep His promises. Does that mean difficulties won’t come our way? Unfortunately, no, but God will be with you every step of the way no matter the outcome.
While I was in the hardest season of my life, I could not imagine how He was going to make everything beautiful again (Ecclesiastes 3:11). God’s word says that “But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you” 1 Peter 5:10. Perhaps you are facing a valley with insurmountable difficulties. Please know that God has you in the palm of His hand- He will be with you every step of the way. He will provide what only He can.
I am so grateful- there truly isn’t a word to adequately express my gratitude for what God has done for me. I’m forever grateful to my community that has lifted me up in prayer and been a blessing to my family. Please continue to pray for me. I have scans at the end of the month- October 26th to be exact with appointments on the 28th for results. Each day that inches me closer to those dates, I get more apprehensive and nervous. Please pray for my peace of mind and for God to once again provide clear scans with cancer-free status. Thank you so much for your prayers- they mean so very much!
Will you also pray for my cousin Nicole? She had another surgery on her breast-cancer journey last week. She will have her last and final one on December 18th. Please pray for strength for her and endurance to finish out this journey. Will you also please pray for my friend Kristy- that she remains cancer-free and continues to regain strength and wellness?
May I never forget that this pain served a purpose and I pray that every day I allow Him to use my story for His glory and purpose. Whatever your story is, know that your story matters! If you see me today, I am probably going to have tears streaming down my face at all God has brought me through and all that I get to do. Thank you to each of you who carried me to the throne through your many prayers- I am immensely thankful that God answered them! Thank you God for your tremendous blessings and the miracles you have worked on my behalf! I will be celebrating life today- I hope you’ll should do the same because each day is a blessed gift!
A Painful Purpose 