Scans…
On October 28th, I learned that there was a spot that my oncologist was concerned about that showed up on my CT scan. My cancer marker numbers were still good, but they needed to be sure what the spot was. That appointment was like riding a roller coaster- on the way up you are anticipating a great ride, but once you look over the top at how far you have to fall, you instantly become terrified. So, he sent me for a PET scan. I tried hard to remain calm and to trust God, but Satan was battling hard for my mind and instilling fear. I chose to stand on faith that God would continue to carry me through just as He has the last 12 months. Praise God, His faithfulness doesn’t depend on mine nor my mental state. When my oncologist’s office number showed up on my phone while I was at work, I was instantly sick to my stomach. He stated some long word, a medical term that I’m pretty sure I blacked out on, but stated it wasn’t disease but they believed was scar tissue from my lung surgery. PRAISE GOD! I’m so glad that through life’s toughest circumstances, we don’t have to face them alone. We have Jesus to walk alongside us, pray for us as we pray to Him, and I am blessed to have a community of believers that will carry me to God’s throne through prayer.
2019
I started the year off incredibly weak, having one chemo treatment left. As I rang in 2019, I prayed earnestly that this year would end better than the last. I knew I still had scans to determine if the chemo worked, a lung surgery, and so many uncertainties. God used the previous months to help me not live for the future, but live for today- this moment right here. It was a hard lesson to learn for this planner-by-nature.
God was so very real to me throughout this journey. The past 14 months have taught me things about my Savior that I didn’t know before. I felt His tangible presence when I was at my absolute lowest. I’m forever grateful for that.
This year has taught me that having a community of believers to lift you up, encourage you, and carry you through the hardest circumstance of your life if worth its weight in gold. I cannot thank each of you enough. Your prayers truly carried us through. The meals you cooked for my family, encouraging texts, cards, and thoughtful gifts were immense blessings to us.
Unfortunately, no journey is linear. Believe me, I prayed that what the doctors found on October 7th wasn’t cancer, but that wasn’t what God had in store for me. Sometimes, God takes you through the fire, the difficult circumstance to refine you, to teach you things you wouldn’t have understood otherwise, to deepen your faith, and to give you a experience that will help someone else. So many of the accounts of the people in the Bible were about difficult circumstances they walked through and how God used those to build their faith and reach other people. After the doctor’s left my room, I found myself saying over and over again to anyone who came to see me that I wanted to be found faithful in this, through this. It is still the prayer of my heart. God has given me a story and I pray that I am found faithful to tell it.
From ringing the bell after my last chemo treatment to Ava asking Jesus for salvation, the first week of 2019 was so sweet. I would do it all again knowing Ava would meet Jesus in a real and personal way. There have been many highs and lows throughout this year. It brought news that the chemo had worked and I was considered “cancer-free” at the moment. I had a lung surgery that brought several complications, including shingles- ouch! I was able to return to work and utilize my experiences to have compassion on students who were equally walking through difficult circumstances. Craig had surgery on his wrist- I didn’t like being the one in the waiting room anticipating the doctor coming to say everything went well. We felt like God was telling us that the time was at hand to sell our house. Wow was that hard since we had made it our home for almost 14 years. God gave me the strength to help with renovation projects to prepare our home to sell. He also afforded me the energy to be softball and dance mom again and to help my exhausted husband with the chauffeur duties. We took our girls to Great Wolf Lodge and had an amazing summer camping. Ava got braces finally! We boxed up all of our belongings and moved them to storage and listed our house. It sold faster than we anticipated, praise God! We moved into our RV to then moved into my in-laws house while waiting to close on property that only He could have led us to because it was about 45 minutes away from where our concentrated search was. God gave us the opportunity to be involved in our church’s Jacksonville Christmas Celebration this year. We were able to share our story along with some amazing people about how God was with us this year.
We have gone through so many scans- every three months and ridden the scan anxiety waves for each one. It is hard to describe to those who haven’t lived this what it is like to wait for days to find out if you are still going to be okay. Your cancer journey doesn’t just end when the chemo treatments are through. It is a long process back to health and living. I am thankful for my family, doctors, and community who have walked us through.
On the last business day of the year, Craig and I closed on 5 acres of property where we will build our dream farmhouse that my Daddy drew the plans for. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the highs and lows of this last year and where it lead us to. The only way it makes sense is to say, But GOD! We couldn’t have fathomed that God would bring us to this place and that we would get to do this. Don’t get me wrong- I am full of fear of the unknown at times and have questioned my sanity so many times over the last several months about taking this huge leap of faith in purchasing our property and building a home when I am still so close to my cancer diagnosis and treatments. I am reminded of Noah and God telling him to build the ark. He had no idea what was coming and the people thought he was crazy, but he stepped out in faith and did what God asked him to do. Oftentimes God asks us to do the difficult, the unknown, what the world would deem as crazy. However, He can see the future and how our saying yes will have an impact on the days to come. I pray that if I am found guilty of doing the crazy thing, that it is because I have said yes to Jesus and that He will get the glory for what is to come.
Perhaps this year has brought you difficult circumstances, loneliness, heartache, despair so deep that you can’t seem to take the next breath. I may not have walked in your exact circumstances, but I know about difficulty breathing and walking through a deep, dark valley. God is the only answer to making it through. Jesus will be your constant companion. When everyone else is sleeping and the house is dark and the despair is robbing your breath, all you need is to cry out to God. He is faithful to answer you and be there. God’s word is His love letter to you. I pray that you’ll reach for it next time your heart is aching and you are full of questions. I cannot tell you the immense peace His word has brought me over the past 14 months.
Isaiah 43:19
God has used this verse over and over throughout the last year to remind me that He is making me new. He has given me a new, deeper faith, a new perspective, and a new heart for the hurting. God has indeed been with us this last year and I’m so grateful for my relationship with Him. In the latter months of 2018 and throughout 2019, I learned what the power of prayer can do. I learned what having faith truly meant and what it means to live in the moment. But above all, I learned that my God is faithful to walk alongside you no matter where you find yourself, in the valley or on the mountaintop. I pray that the year 2020 will find me faithful to my Father and telling my story to others so that they can see Jesus for who he really is- loving, kind, merciful, and faithful.
A Painful Purpose 