Keep me in the Moment

Upside down

These past several months have been very different than the norm for most people- having to stay home, not eating in restaurants, attending church in a building, working from home, children not going to school in their buildings, and wearing masks. To be honest, it is very reminiscent of my days through chemo. My life came to a shattering halt one Friday night. Once I started chemo, I was not allowed to work, had to stay home except for my in-patient chemo, out-patient chemo, scans, and oncology appointments, and was not allowed to be around others. Everywhere I went, which was only to MD Anderson and Baptist Medical Center, I had a mask on. It was a little hard putting on a mask for the first time in a long time to go to the grocery store a few weeks back; a flashback to the fear I felt with no immune system and praying no one around me was sick because that could have been fatal for me at that point. Under the advisement of my oncology team, I am currently wearing one in public. I have seen so many social media posts about should you wear one, making cracks at those who choose to wear one, and antagonistic posts about not wearing one. There is not a one-size-fits-all stance to take. Some of us who have preexisting conditions need the added protection. Will it 100% prevent it? Nope, but any prevention is worth it to me. Having cancer was difficult enough. I truly do not want to add COVID-19 to my list. However, just because I choose to wear a mask does not mean you have to.

It has brought out a side to some that is disheartening to witness. I wish we would treat each other with love and kindness instead of antagonism. God made each of us different and the ways we protect ourselves and our families may look very different and that is okay. Colossians 4:5-6 states, “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace. Seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Convicting to this girl, yep!

I pray that I can act out of compassion and use this time to show love to others. It is hard being under the stay-at-home order. I know all too well; 6 months of isolation while the world was revolving around me while mine was at a standstill was hard.

Jeremy Camp just released a new song entitled Keep Me in the Moment. It truly has become my anthem for this period of time. Is it hard, yes! But I do not want to miss what God has for me during this time. It has allowed us to slow down; I have been able to cook meals for my family every night which was something unheard of for quite some time due to dance, softball, and church commitments. We have dusted off games, taken family bike rides, and snuggled up to watch movies together. I pray we do not go back to life as it was before. God has used this time to create sweet family memories with my not-so-little girls. We have been able to be creative in showing our love and appreciation to those we love when we were perhaps too busy to take the time before. Craig and I have talked and yearned for a slower pace of life. Who knew it would take a global pandemic to get there?

I will admit there are times when I am paralyzed with fear over getting this virus and what that could do to me with my immune system that is still rebuilding; or my daughter who has severe asthma. But I never could have anticipated cancer. God carried me through one health crisis. I know He will be faithful if He is asking me to walk through another. This is also where wisdom comes in. The Bible says in James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” I have been praying for wisdom in how I act, speak, where I go, and what precautions to take. In a world where the “experts” are changing their recommendations rapidly, perhaps we should seek what God would have us do for our families; after all He is the only one already in tomorrow. This may very well look different for you than it does for me. I have a Heavenly Father who tells me that He will give me wisdom if I ask for it. He will do the same for you.

Virtual Reality

Who could have ever predicted that our reality would become what it is today? Working virtually and online learning has been quite the challenge. Working from home and managing my daughters’ virtual learning schedules as well has been a circus some days. I have to be honest, though- I have loved getting to eat lunch together with them (when I remember to take a lunch break). It has been nice to see Craig some days for lunch and watch him and Makaila battle it out playing Uno or Bananagrams over their grilled cheese. It has also brought challenges of being inside all day long with each other nonstop. Our Connection Group leader a few weeks ago during our virtual small group time talked to us about James 1: 2 and counting it all joy when we face various trials because the testing of our faith produces patience. Can you relate during these past 12 weeks? I know I sure can. In the Fry household we have had lots of conversations about how God wants us to treat others! I’m thankful that we have the Bible to guide us in this journey of parenting. I also am thankful for time alone to just be in God’s presence to refresh my soul! Oh and dark chocolate!

We have been attending church virtually as well. Again, this is reminiscent of my cancer journey. I could only participate in worship via online. It taught me then that it doesn’t matter the location, just your heart’s position and response. I am grateful for a pastor who has relentlessly brought the Word to his church family and a church staff who has worked tirelessly to make sure we still get to worship together, albeit in our homes.

We have visited with family through FaceTime, through glass doors, and on front lawns. It has reminded us that relationships with them are important and to take time to spend with them not matter how you make it happen.

18-20

Makaila asked me a few days ago,” Mom, how many of these scans have you had to do?” Well, to be honest I had not counted. I may be missing a few but I am in the 18-20 range between brain MRI’s, PET scans, and CT scans since October 2018. We may not need candles in the next power outage- I may just glow in the dark, lol. This little girl has been more aware of these scans today than any other. It has been a great opportunity to share with our girls that despite our fear of the unknown, we can trust God.

I flipped through my very worn Bible verse cards that I wrote out right after brain surgery before chemo on my way to MD Anderson.  They have provided peace to me so many times over the last 18 months.  Today was no different.

As we headed into MD Anderson today, a friend met us in the lobby to give me a social distancing 6-feet-apart air hug. She came over on her lunch break to walk the lobby while I was in the MRI to pray for me. She has consistently done this for me during the various cancer surgeries I have had and several scans. Most of the time I do not get to see her, just a picture of the lobby texted to me that she is there and praying. I almost broke down in ugly cry fashion. What a reminder it was to me about the people who have pledged to pray for me, continually through this journey. A cancer journey does not just end with chemo and no matter how many times I ask, so many in my village have responded that they are praying for me and have sent encouraging texts just when I needed them. I am blown away and humbled by this as well as overcome with gratitude. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you. It means.the.world.to.me.

I know I have stated before, but MRI’s and me on a good day are not friends. Add scan anxiety, wearing masks and the fear that they would make me keep it on inside the MRI and well, it does not make for nerves of steel. The two MRI technicians today were angels in disguise. They were funny and set me at ease immediately. They even were able to get my IV started on the first try- this never happens anymore thanks to chemo. They asked if they needed to cover my eyes. No ma’am, this girl will not for one second open them inside that confined space! I asked to listen to contemporary Christian music to try to keep my mind off being in a tiny tube with my head locked into a cage. The first three songs were what I call Hobby Lobby music- just instrumentals, two of which I could not make out what songs they were. Um, nope this was not working for my claustrophobic mind! I prayed hard that the next song would have words- words I could sing in my head, not out loud because if I move a centimeter we have to start over and besides, this girl doesn’t do solos. Praise God the next song did! Then the song that carried us through my cancer journey and stayed visible on my radio in my car despite it not actually being the song played came on; Stand in Your Love by Josh Baldwin. Luckily with my headphones in no tears could get in my ears this time! I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows just what I need and uses seemingly small things to speak to my heart.

After the MRI, we made the mile-long trek to the brain oncologist’s office. Okay, it was not quite that far, but every step brought my heart rate up and made my palms sweat. We were standing in faith that God had spoken over this cancer in my life, but it is still incredibly nerve-wracking walking into an office where the bottom could potentially drop out from underneath us again. We made small talk with the nurse and then waited very impatiently for the nurse practitioner. He is amazing and we really like him. He asked about how virtual learning was going and the house. Meanwhile we are silently begging him to get to the point of why we are here, but then again, not really. Finally, he tells us the results. He states that the brain MRI was clear and looked great. He stated that the doctor had a hard time even locating where the craniotomy was done on my brain- it is very obvious on my skull where it happened, but not on the area of my brain. Apparently, my young brain recovered well. Who knew almost forty was young- my knees are telling me a different story?

It is crazy how in that moment it literally feels like a hundred-pound weight and vice around my chest is lifted and I can draw a deep breath again. Some days in between scans it is easy to just live. Other days it is really hard and the days leading up to scan/appointment day are tough. Sleep does not come easy and deep breaths are almost impossible. There are moments of peace that surpass understanding and then there are other moments, David moments, where I am begging God for deliverance. In those moments, God reminds me, as David writes in Psalms, that He is a shield for me, and He hears my prayers.

We could not continue to walk this path without those of you who continue to carry us to the feet of Jesus. It means so much to us. We know that praying is the most that you can do, and we are grateful for your willingness to continue to do so when we ask. I am not sure what life difficulty you may find yourself in tonight. God may not remove you from your storm, but I know He is faithful to carry you through it. He will provide others who will be faithful to do what God is calling them to do because you are depending on them to help in whatever way you need. Craig and I would love to pray for you and help meet a need if you have one.

We love you guys and are continually thankful for our village. Praying health and blessings over you tonight!