Red Bird
I fully intended to write more on my blog from December until now… Life has a funny way of passing in fast-forward speed, however. The girls have kept us at a pace that makes me feel a little crazy at times, to be honest. We wouldn’t have it any other way though. Most days I drive up in the driveway from work, grab a to-go of whatever they whipped up for dinner and eat on the way to a practice or a game. The second half of the school year flew by, but to be honest, I wasn’t that sad about it because this year was tough!
Besides the everyday stressors of my job, my grandfather’s health turned for the worse in April. God in His infinite goodness allowed me the opportunity to tell him how much he (and my grandmother) meant to me, the ways they shaped my life, and to thank him; though thank you seems so inadequate. In his typical way, he tried to brush it off, but I am grateful for the night God gave us to talk and visit before He couldn’t. As hard as it is to have lost him, I am reminded of God’s grace, even in the smallest of details. A cardinal was outside of his room in hospice his entire stay. It was as if God reminded me that He was there with us and so was my Mimi. We have a trio that are constantly in our backyard now. Craig wasn’t able to be there on PawPaw’s last earthly day. It was hard for him; my grandfather is the one who patiently taught Craig how to woodwork. God being the God of details, had a cardinal sit on top of his work truck for several mornings after PawPaw went home to Jesus. The first day- the bird pecked right near Craig’s face on his window multiple times, trying to get his attention. Cue ugly cry! I am so grateful that because of Christ’s sacrifice, I will get to be with my grandparents again one day. If I can encourage you to do anything, it’s to take time with those you love. It may make your schedule tighter, or you may have to sacrifice to make it happen, but it will be worth the time spent!
Panic Button
I was unable to schedule my scans close together this time around due to doctors being on vacation. About 2 weeks before my scans, my heart was heavy about several things and this seemed to be the cherry on top for me. If you’ve been around for a while, you know that in order for this claustrophobic girl to get inside an MRI machine, I have to be medicated. Well, I was so stressed and nervous this go round, that I forgot to take all the things off before getting in the machine. About 5 minutes in, I completely panicked and had to squeeze the panic ball. I haven’t done that since the first MRI to determine if I had cancer or not. The technicians were so amazing! They told me I was okay and that no metal would be ripped through my body while scanning. Why do they scare you so bad about that happening (the posters in the changing room are terrifying)? They also got a new machine, so no music to try to occupy my mind. So instead of singing in my head, I prayed for so many that are walking through storms right now. Life is so heavy at times.
It is such a long walk from the testing department to the brain oncology office. Not really, but it feels like miles and that my legs weigh a thousand pounds a piece trying to pick up one foot and put it in front of the other. I really just want to run away most times and be the kid who puts their fingers in their ears and sings “Lalalalala” to avoid hearing anything they don’t want to.
Can I just say that I LOVE the PA in the brain oncology department? He is so phenomenal! He knows all the details of conversations we had months prior about our lives and what is going on- he truly makes you feel cared for and heard, which is so rare in our fast-paced, get them in-and-out world we live in! He walked in and said, “The scans are stable- let’s just get that out of the way.” Praise GOD! It was as if someone lifted this unbearably heavy weight off my shoulders! The relief is so great! My oncologist walked in later and said that I have a boring brain. Well, I never really wanted to have my brain described that way, but after the last 3 and a half years, boring sounds amazing, whatever that is!
I have bloodwork for cancer markers and my chest/abdomen/pelvis CT scan in July on the 18th. We covet your prayers that those tests will also show no evidence of cancer.
Faith
Craig and I have had our faith stretched, refined by fire, tested and grown over the last few years, and even in the last several months. God has brought us to situations that have been way outside of our comfort zone- things that had we not been believers or have the faith we now do, we would have said no to and remained in our comfy status quo.
Craig was presented with a position within the fire department that is so outside his comfort zone it isn’t even in the same ballpark. He easily could have said no because he couldn’t see himself in that role and he couldn’t see what God was doing long-term with this spot; “trusting God without seeing solutions is hard. But that’s the fertile soil where faith grows”- Lysa TerKeurst. In talking with him over the last few days he said something that resonated with my soul. He told me that he knew that if God brought him to this that God would be with him every step of the way- he couldn’t do this job himself so He asks God everyday to go with him and speak through him (I think about Moses every time he tells me this). He is praying expectantly for God to show up and do something through him. If you’ve seen him on the news lately, you know that God is doing just that- speaking through someone who hates public speaking and is usually an observer rather than a socializer because he said yes to Jesus and walked through the open door.
Craig has said many times that once you become a Christian you give God the green light to use your life as He sees fit to reach others and to bring Himself glory. Sometimes that looks like something that might be fun and exciting, but oftentimes it comes through the unknown, the scary, and the darkness. I have recently discovered Elizabeth Elliot (she was a fantastic author btw) and she has some very profound and sometimes simple things to say, like the following:
“Lord, give me a quiet heart that does not ask to understand, but confident steps forward in the darkness guided by Thy hand.” So often we want answers to the whys in life- we want to see the whole staircase before we take one step, to know how it all ends. If we had all of those things, where would faith come in? I don’t think that we shouldn’t ask the questions- God is big enough and loves us enough to handle those. I think where trouble comes is when we can’t take that step of faith with Him into the darkness because we can’t get past the questions to trust that He has a plan and it is for our good.
God allows things to happen in our lives to move us in the direction He would have us go- sometimes that looks like a loss, a hardship, a health issue. Instead of seeing these as things God does to us, we have to allow ourselves to see what God may be sparing us from, how He will use our circumstances to make us more like Him- that He entrusted us enough with whatever storm we are walking through because He knew we would be faithful to use it to help others. It’s the storms in our life that are the catalyst for fully trusting a God who loves us more than we can fathom!
I am a firm believer that what you go through is a platform for a testimony and a mission field that you are uniquely qualified to reach. God never promised our life would be easy nor that we would be free from the consequences of our choices or someone else’s. He did say that he will journey alongside us and help us navigate the path that He is trying to lead us down. When others wrong us, hurt us, when we lose someone we love long before we feel its time, when health issues come out of the blue, when finances are beyond tight and you don’t see a way out (the list is endless), God is absolutely right beside you! He longs to carry you through your storm- to grow your faith, to change your heart, and to mold you into someone that looks more like Him so that you can reach others in a way you couldn’t before. When life is too overwhelming and you don’t know what to do, just get up and do the next thing, whatever that may be.
Chapters
When decisions need to be made, I don’t know about you, but I want God to tell me exactly what to do- send a lightning bolt from Heaven telling me, “Do this!” We question if it is God’s will if it isn’t something amazing and all the stars don’t align. As Christians, we often associate God’s will with peace, with happiness, and with easy. In my personal walk, it has embodied that rarely. As a planner, Type A personality, I like things all neat and mapped out with all the pros and cons and what-if’s. Cancer helped transition me away from that in a big way, but fear can roar its ugly head! “Fear arises when we imagine that everything depends on us” (Elizabeth Elliot). It’s hard to rely 100% on God when our flesh gets in the way! Sometimes when God opens or closes a door, you have to trust that it will be for your good and He has a purpose in it- Craig is evidence of that in my life right now. When we worry ourselves needlessly about the future, it robs us of the ability to see what God has for us today, in this moment!
I remember praying to God, begging Him for more time with my girls- to give me the opportunity to see them grow up. I am eternally grateful to be here with them- sweating it out at softball games or driving to private stunt lessons. All the praying about spending time with my girls felt hollow since I was only seeing them 30-45 minutes a day during the work week. Craig and I began praying that we could redeem our time with them- we had no idea what that would look like. This past week I stood outside in my yard watering an oak tree I planted in memory of my grandfather and was so overwhelmed with God’s goodness to me- that despite the hard and scary, that I get to be here with my family. I was totally undone a few weeks ago when my best friend who lost her husband 4 years ago, raised her hand, praising Jesus and declaring that she has seen the goodness of God. Goodness doesn’t mean it’s all “good”, aka we get everything we want and life is easy. It means that God has been good to us- He has walked through the fire with us and held us up when we felt we were drowning. It means that when chapters close that we have loved and new ones open that are unchartered waters, He will be with us each step of the way.
I have learned as a counselor that sometimes opposite emotions on the spectrum coincide. You can be happy and sad, excited and scared all at the same time. Change brings all those emotions. I have prayed for the last 4 years that God would use me where He saw fit and He would open and close doors in my life, career and personal, as He saw fit and that when He did, I would walk through them with faith. It hasn’t been easy, but I trust that where He leads me, He will be equipping me.
On July 23rd, I walked into and out of Creekside High School for the last time as a high school counselor. I have immensely loved working there as a counselor for the last 4 years! God knew I would need that Knight family as I walked the hardest journey of my life. They held me up when I couldn’t stand and took care of my family when I physically couldn’t. Each individual in that building has assisted me in becoming the school counselor I am; their investment in me didn’t go unnoticed and thank you seems to be inadequate. Saying goodbye (or see you later) was incredibly difficult. I know that God will use my amazing friends at CHS to fill a void and bless others that will need them.
God opened another door that I knew in my heart I needed to walk through. I had prayed to redeem time with my girls and God said, “Here is an opportunity you never could have dreamed up.” The door was closed and then opened in a way that was only explicable as Him. I will start my new journey as a school counselor a lot closer to home (if you saw the video of me telling Makaila, it is too close to home for her, lol. Ava however, acted as if she won the lottery). Once an Indian, always an Indian, right? It’s fitting that I started my education career there and God-willing, may retire from there as well. There is a special guy who will be greatly missed as we were supposed to be the dynamic duo, but I know for sure he will be looking down, shaking his head and smiling, that I’ve made it back to his favorite school! I’m excited and nervous for this new beginning but can’t wait to see what God will do!
“Of one thing I am perfectly sure: God’s story never ends with ‘ashes.’”- Elizabeth Elliot
Will you please pray for my new chapter at a new school. Will you please also pray for my upcoming scans to remain cancer-free. Your commitment to come alongside us continually through this years-long journey is always so humbling to us and we are so grateful for you!
As always, if you have a need or prayer request, please don’t hesitate to reach out! We would love to come alongside you and lift you up to the One who loves you most!
A Painful Purpose 