Time Hop
Facebook memories seldom fail to bring about a myriad of emotions. Usually, it’s pictures of my girls that I shared years and years ago that make me sad that they have grown up so fast. Oftentimes, it’s a post I made requesting prayer for this journey I’ve been on.
I’m thankful that I can look back on the moments of this life that Jesus has shown up for. He is my best friend and has always been there, in the sorrow and the joy.
I’ve been introspective here lately and as the days have led up to today, I’ve been thinking back over the past 5 years of my life.
Five years ago today….. FIVE years ago, I can’t believe it has been that long! October 5th will forever be a pivotal point in my life. A time when there was a distinct before and after. When time stood still, fear like I had never know before stole my breath, and I started on a journey that I never anticipated. I can still clearly feel the iciness of the ER waiting room, the pain in my head so severe, and the panic I felt when they transferred me to the Neuro ICU. The many tests that ensued over the next 48 hours and the devastating diagnosis on my beloved Mimi’s birthday, October 7th.
Metastatic cancer is never in anyone’s plans for their life. But it was in God’s for mine. I wanted to be found faithful walking this battle that He had allowed and entrusted me to walk. There were times I wanted to wake up and it be just a nightmare. There were times I was terrified of the “what if’s” and the fear of the future and if I would be in it.
If you’ve been around the past 5 years and have read all the blog posts, you know that it wasn’t a linear journey through chemo and surgeries to healing. So many pitfalls were along the way. Misdiagnosis, infected ports, allergic reactions, surgeries, shingles… Pain like I’ve never experienced before. The chest tube that I had after lung surgery made me weep with the realization that Christ, as He was being crucified, was pierced in His side for me- for my transgressions so that I would spend eternity with Him. WOW! It was incredibly painful and that was just one of the many brutal injuries He endured for us.
Every step of this journey from October 5th 2018 to today, October 5th 2023, Jesus has met me. He has given me a village of people who have been faithful to the Holy Spirit’s urging to pray for me, send timely text messages, Rae Dunn mugs with messages that speak to my soul, meals, and just time spent in one waiting room or hospital room or another. I truly don’t know how I could ever thank each of you enough for carrying me to the feet of Jesus.
Worthy of It All
My family and I attended Saturate this year at Eleven22. There were such powerful messages brought every night and it was the revival my heart needed. This past year has been so challenging, and I’ve questioned why and how so many times.
The message one night was so powerful, and God spoke directly to my soul. I wish I could say that I haven’t allowed fear and specifically fear of the future to paralyze me at times, but it has. I am no longer naïve to the difficulties of this life that God sometimes asks us to walk. Looking to the future has been terrifying to me.
The closing song that night was Worthy of it All. Whew, talk about rocking my soul and cuing the ugly cry. The past 5 years have taught me that He is worthy of it all. HE IS WORTHY OF. IT. ALL! Every needle stick, every single night spent at Baptist Hospital on the MD Anderson oncology floor, every single minute nauseous, every numbered hair on my head lost, every surgery, every day locked in my house and not being allowed by my doctors to leave due to aggressive chemo regimen I was on, every scan anxiety-filled day, every hold-your-breath moment waiting on the scan report, every moment fear stole my breath, every tear I’ve cried. HE. IS. WORTHY. OF. IT. ALL!
I’ve cried/sang that song all day today. Because He is worthy of it all. He has saved me from an eternal life in hell to be with Him by walking this earth and dying a horrific death as penance for my sins. He has saved my children. He has given me faith through all of life’s trials and He has been my fourth man in the fire, time after time (love that song!).
A Grateful Heart
I knew that today would be a tear-filled day for me. I took today off work to spend time with Jesus. I cried my way through praise this morning. I had decided that I wanted to visit the places and the people that cared for me in my journey. I wrote thank you cards and got Crumbl cookies. Craig and I made the rounds to my two oncologists at MD Anderson and dropped them off for them. We sat in the garden, where we have prayed so many times and prayed for every person in that building today that was fighting or helping others fight. We drove over to Baptist Downtown and went to the MD Anderson oncology floor in the Weaver tower. I hadn’t been there since the end of December of 2018. I was so choked up that I couldn’t speak. So many laps were walked around that floor, praying. I dropped the cookies off to the nurses’ station and could barely get the words out that I was a patient there for 4 months in 2018 and that their care and support helped me fight my most difficult battle. The nurses stated crying with me and gave me a hug. They said thank you and that they usually don’t get to see people on the “other side.” The oncologist working said that it was one of the nurse’s first day on the floor and that she needed to see me today. I asked about Nurse Jeff who was so instrumental in my journey. They told me that he was now working at the MD Anderson infusion center. So, we went and got more cookies and headed to the infusion center. Unfortunately, he wasn’t working today. I was bummed that I didn’t get to see him, but in January I will celebrate 5 years cancer free, and you better believe that I will go there every day that week if needed to say thank you in person! My girls and I got dressed up and went to dinner tonight to celebrate all God has done and that I get to be here with them! Craig unfortunately was working, but we had V’s Pizza last night. We had their pizza so many times when we were stuck in Baptist Downtown every other week for 4-5 days at a time. It was nice to give back to the Victory fund when they gave meals to us.
The In-Between
Christine Caine posted something yesterday that resonated with me. She stated that “the middle of anything seems like the hardest part to get through-it’s when you are no longer where you were, but you still haven’t reached the place you hope to be…. But God isn’t finished yet because the middle is not the end. To fight the good fight and finish the race set before you, you have to get through the middle. God is with you now and He has been with you every step of the way.” You may feel like you are in the middle of a battle or like me you’ve walked through a battle but not quite where you want to be. Keep fighting, keep leaning into your faith. God is with you and if it’s not good, it’s not over yet (Romans 8:28).
I’m not sure what’s next. We are praying about that daily. For a door to be open, for another that we can pour into. For now, we are praising God for His faithfulness to never leave us nor forsake us and for carrying us through this cancer journey. God is so loving and so kind. Thank you for your prayers for our family! They have been and continue to be a lifeline to us.
A Painful Purpose 