Are you the one on the mat?
Last Sunday morning we were at church and Pastor Joby preached on Mark 2. He asked this pointed question: Do you have 4 friends that would carry you to Jesus? Have you ever been the one on the mat?
In Mark chapter 2, in case you aren’t familiar with the story, there was a paralytic man that was being carried on his mat by four men. Jesus had met at someone’s home and had drawn a great crowd until there was no room left, “not even outside the door.” The men carrying their friend (the Bible doesn’t call them this, but I believe you would have to be to do what they did for him), saw that they couldn’t get close to the door. They knew they had to go to greater measures to bring him to Jesus for healing. They TORE THE ROOF OFF to let him down inside the house where Jesus was! WHAT faith, love, and kindness they showed for the paralytic man! When Jesus saw what they had done, he told the man that his sins were forgiven, because He knew his eternity in Heaven, his spiritual healing, was a greater need than his physical healing. This garnered quite the response from the crowd, asking Jesus why he hadn’t told the man that he was healed. His response was to proclaim that He was the Son of God and that He alone could forgive sins. He then proclaimed to the paralytic man in Mark 2:11-12, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home. He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this.”
I couldn’t control my tears flowing down my face. Sunday was the day before I had a brain MRI and neuro oncology appointments. All I could think of was this cancer journey and the fact that yes, I HAVE been the one on the mat. The countless many people who tore off the roof of the house and lowered me down on the mat to Jesus for healing was so prevalent on my mind- those I have never met and those that I hold dear, those that I see often and those that are friends from long-ago that Facebook keeps me up-to-date on their lives. I’m still so choked up even typing these words, that people would care enough, be kind enough to lower my mat to Jesus for healing- the only One who could. Grateful seems inadequate to cover the depth of emotions that I feel when I think of this. Thank you God for brothers and sisters in Christ who lowered me throw the roof to Jesus for healing!
We met with my neurologist oncologist following my brain MRI on January 8th. He made small talk like he usually does and I had to inquire about my scans. Praise God they were clear. He made his usual statement of they don’t really know how long the should be checking, so I’d see him again in 6 months.
October 5th
This day happened upon us faster than anticipated. The school year was rocking and the months of September and October in the life of a high school counselor are chaotically busy.
There was a lot of tears but even more gratitude to the depths of my soul that day. I was and forever will be in awe of what God has done. So undeserved, but eternally grateful that I get to be here to be my girl’s mom and Craig’s wife. That I get to still live out God’s purpose for my life. We also used the opportunity to pray for those that were residing in the rooms on the MD Anderson in-patient floor and the infusion center that day- that God would bless and heal them and draw near to them.
5 years- Cancer FREE
On January 3, 2019 I finished my chemo at the infusion center at MD Anderson. I have never felt so weak in my life. I was neutropenic, meaning my immune system was at critically low levels and need a Neulasta treatment to stimulate my bone marrow to produce white blood cells. It was incredibly painful, like so many of the things on my journey. In the days that followed I had a PET scan and CT scan to determine if treatment had worked. I was so weak but my heart’s cry was, “please God.”
On January 10, 2019, I met with my oncologist to go over my scans. He declared at that time that I had no evidence of disease in my body. The met on my lung was dead and would be later removed in March via a lung resection surgery. I felt like I could barely stand under the immense relief and joy that flooded my soul! I just remember saying, “Thank you God” over and over. Craig and my parents were beaming and I was sobbing.
There are parts of this journey that I have kept quiet about; I haven’t let on about some things to anyone but Jesus. It was incredibly difficult, painful, and terrifying- and I wanted to shoulder some of the burden alone since my family was already carrying so much.
I often tell Craig that I feel like my girls’ childhood was stolen from them. A lot of times people forget that they were only 9 and 11 years old at the time. That is a lot of stress and anguish to watch your mom battle cancer and not knowing if she is going to survive.
Craig has a different point of view. He believes that God utilized our journey to create strength, resiliency, grit and most importantly dependence on God within our girls. He is no doubt right. When I watch my girls stand on stage at their youth group worship nights and raise their hands, singing praise to God, I know God used this for their good as well. God saved Ava’s soul through this journey- worth it all! We believe that God used this chapter in our lives to mold and shape them into who He needs them to be and help them discover God in a deeper way.
5 years! I can hardly believe I have made it here. Some days I still feel like it was yesterday that the news was being delivered and that I was in and out of the hospital for days on end every other week and in the infusion center on the off weeks. My world screeched to a halt then and ceased to exist as I had known it before. The Kristen that exissted on October 4, 2018 is gone. God has worked on me in ways that wouldn’t have been possible had October 5, 2018’s diagnosis not happened. I have a depth of relationship with God that only comes when you have nothing left and can only depend on him for literal life and healing. I have a compassion and a ministry that I never would have otherwise. Cancer has cost me some things- friendships, relationships, peace at times, health, pain; but I am so grateful that it didn’t end there! God in his infinite grace and mercy redeemed my suffering and brought beauty for ashes. Thank you, God, for bringing me to this place- 5 years cancer free.
A friend of mine, a fellow cancer survivor, shared a song with me that has me weeping every time I hear it. It’s called Worthy of My Song by Phil Wickham. It is my soul song. I’ve said before how much I love Worthy of It All, because He is worthy of every single second. My girls sang this song at our FCA Christmas party unbeknownst to me. Makaila sang a verse about when she was in the hospital bed and could barely raise her head, you were worthy. Oh my word- I could barely breathe through the ugly cry. Yep, ugly sobbed right there in front of all my FCA students.
Celebrating
My friend mentioned above goes on a Life-iversary trip every year. Craig and I have discussed it many times and we are going on a Life-iversary trip this year to celebrate all that God has done and that we have arrived at this 5-year mark. We are so excited and can’t wait until June is here.
But more than that, we want to celebrate with all of you- with those of you that carried me on the mat to Jesus. Sunday, March 3rd (the day I went home from the hospital 5 years ago from my final cancer surgery) we are inviting you to come celebrate YOU for being the hands and feet of Jesus- for the meals, the financial blessings, the love you showed my girls, and most of all the prayers you prayed on my behalf and for my family over the last 5 years. More information will be forthcoming, but we hope you’ll mark it on your calendar to join us that day for something yummy to eat and maybe a little wiffle ball playing, but most definitely to hug you and thank you in person! We hope you will join us to “taste and see that the Lord is good” and give Him all the glory for my healing!
I know intimately that not everyone’s journey is like mine. No matter what life has brought you, sometimes there isn’t healing this side of heaven. It breaks my heart and is something I carry close to me daily. We love you and would love to lift you up in prayer and support you on the journey that God may allow you to walk down. We hope that we can be two of the four to carry your mat to Jesus. Please reach out if we can be a blessing to you in any way.
This weekend I took Ava and her friends to Winter Jam as a part of her birthday festivities. Katy Nichole was there and she sang Hold On. I cried through the entire song, of course, because this is a song that God has used to speak to my soul during this journey. One line of her song states that there is purpose in the pain. Craig and I felt this almost immediately after my diagnosis and when trying to come up with a title for my blog, we landed on Painful Purpose. I pray that this Painful Purpose has brought you a Word from God as you have caught a glimpse of my candid journey through cancer. My prayer has been that I would be found faithful with the journey God called me to walk down and to use it for His glory. There will be blog posts in the future- this journey is just that a journey, one I pray cancer never returns, but the aftereffects and scans are lifelong. I pray that God will allow me to continue to come in this place and write what He has laid on my heart to share with you. It has been a place of refuge and a place where I can tangibly go to trace His hand throughout the last 5 years.
Living
I have tried hard to live in the in-between, the time between scans and oncology appointments. Some days it was harder to do than others. God has been so gracious and kind to allow me to have a front row seat still to my girls growing up and for me to create more memories with my family. Sometimes when you are in the storm or valley, you can forget that you are still living His purpose for your life and there can still be joy alongside grief, fear, and the hard. I wanted to have a place to go back and see all that God brought us through but also all the living He allowed us to do over the last 5 years. Most of the pictures don’t show the hard, the dark nights, the tears nor the pain. I wanted to focus on the joy amidst the sorrow and all that God has done for me and my family for the last 5 years- all of the life God has allowed me to live in the in-between treatment and scans. It is set to my new favorite worship song because every single second of the last 5 years, all 157,680,000 of them, he has been worthy of my song- worthy of it all- of the joy and the sorrow, of the pain and the healing, of the hair loss and hair regrowth, of the living and dying to oneself, of the scan anxiety- of it all. Nothing is ever wasted in the hands of God.
We are grateful for you in ways that we humanly cannot express. I thank my God upon every remembrance of you! Praying we will see you on March 3rd!
A Painful Purpose 