I am not alone…

Thanksgiving

What a wonderful holiday weekend we had.  It wasn’t the same as past years, but I was able to spend time with family and I was so thankful.  We surprised Craig’s family by ringing the doorbell as they were putting finishing touches on their meal.  Some of them I hadn’t seen since my brain surgery.  It was nice to visit with them for a little while.

My sister was down for Thanksgiving this year.  What a blessing to spend time with her, Joe, and my nieces in addition to the rest of my family.  My mama cooked an amazing feast, as she always does.  We have so many children now that we officially have a “kids” table.  It was so sweet to see my girls helping their little cousins with their Thanksgiving dinner.

My mama wanted to take family pictures since my sister was down.  It has been customary that we take them when she is here every other year for Thanksgiving.  My hair had been falling out in great handfuls since round 3.  I was grateful to be able to take pictures while still having some hair left on “black” Friday.

I contacted my hairstylist about coming and cutting my hair.  It is traumatizing to pull handfuls of long hair out constantly.  I decided to go with a pixie haircut until it was time to shave it.  However, after washing it on Saturday there wasn’t enough left to make that happen.  After lots of tears, my mama said she would shave it for me.  That was so tough.  It’s hard to look in the mirror and see someone you don’t really recognize looking back at you.  I am so thankful for my amazing husband who lifts me up when I am down.  He was such a blessing to me during that entire process.  My mama and sister also helped soothe my hurting heart.

Thankfully I ordered some hats in anticipation of losing my hair and I’ve had some sweet people bless me with some as well.

Round 4

This time I had labs and an oncology appointment on Monday and chemo on Tuesday.  It was nice not to have it all on the same day as it can get tiring.  My labs came back where they wanted them to be to proceed with chemo.  Chemo went well on Tuesday.  I had two nice nurses that made sure everything went as it was supposed to.

Fear… is a liar

This last week has been tough.  It is hard sometimes to be by myself while my family is gone to school and work.  In the quiet, your mind tends to run in directions sometimes that allow fear and worry in.  It can be lonely and fearful.

God uses so many things to speak to us.  Songs, scripture, people…  So often I get messages at just the right moment with just the words I need; or a card will come in the mail, a sweet gift with a scripture that God knows I need reminding of, a friend will send a song that God knows I needed to hear.  I am so thankful for these because God is using them to carry me through times that are difficult and aid in my battle against fear.

On Saturday, Craig told me of an outing a local church wanted to bless us with.  He had the opportunity to share our story, what we are walking through, and what God is doing in our lives with some staff members of the Church of Eleven22.  The event coordinator called him and offered tickets to the Kari Jobe concert they were hosting and wanted us to come to the Q-and-A with her beforehand and to send us to dinner afterwards.  She is one of my all-time favorite artists and I’ve always wanted to see her in concert.  However, I am not supposed to go out in public places and have been fearful of that because of germs and sickness.  I warred within myself over whether or not I should go.  I had these anti-viral masks that I wear when I have to go to the hospital, doctor office, or to my family’s house that I could put to use.  But, I was still very apprehensive about going.  Craig was convinced that God wanted us to go but was leaving it up to me.  I decided to step out on faith that God brought us this opportunity and would protect me while I was there.  If I felt uneasy, I could just go to the car.  I am so glad that I allowed God to squash my fear and went.  What a tremendous blessing I would have missed had I chosen to stay home out of fear!

When we arrived we were escorted to the Q-and-A room and offered the front row seats.  We were treated as their honored guests, which left me weepy to be honest.  It was overwhelming to be treated with such kindness and love by complete strangers.  Our girls had never been to a concert before and they were so excited.  Kari was escorted in and up on the small stage to answer questions from the audience.  She answered questions about her favorite color, the meaning behind her song The Garden, and how she and her husband met.  The question and answer that spoke to me the most was about what inspires her songs.  She stated that it was the difficult seasons, the valleys that inspired her to write songs like I Am Not Alone which is a favorite of mine and includes many scriptures that I read daily- cue the ugly cry.  She quoted several scriptures that I have written on my cards that I read frequently.  God was trying to tell me that He sees me, loves me, and is here.  Wow!

She was then escorted out of the room.  Another Church of Eleven22 team member came to get us and told us she was taking us to the conference room to meet Kari.  Oh.my.word!  I couldn’t believe it!  I was so excited and so were my girls (Craig was too, even if he might say differently).  When we walked in, she hugged us and introduced herself.  She asked the girls their names and ages.  Makaila was star-struck and it was so cute!  I told her this was their first concert and she was honored.  I told her that Makaila had lots of questions about concerts on the way here.  Kari told Makaila that she could ask her the questions.  She couldn’t even say anything, a total deer-in-the-headlight moment.  I told her that Makaila wanted to know how she chose her songs for her concerts (one of the questions she asked in the car).  She told us that tonight was an acoustic night and she wanted it to be a sweet night of worship.  Cue the tears.  I told her that when she told the audience what she did about how she is inspired to write songs to speak to people as they walk through difficult seasons that it resonated with me because we are in a difficult season right now.  She then looked at me and asked if I couldn’t take the mask off.  I told her no- that I was undergoing chemo for cancer.  She expressed her sorrow for me and then asked if she could pray for me.  She stated that she knew I probably had many people praying for me, but… Craig told her that we believe in the power of prayer and we can never have too many.  So, we huddled close together and she prayed over me and my family.  What a surreal experience.  I had God-pimples, as our pastor calls it, while she was praying for us- God was present in that room.

We thanked her for praying for us and meeting with us.   We were then escorted to our seats, front row and center stage.  She came out shortly and started the concert which was a fundraiser for Night to Shine.  Every song spoke directly to my heart and soul.  I don’t think my eyes were dry the entire concert.  To be able to lift my hands in worship with my family next to me was such a blessing- to leave my circumstances behind and shift my focus on worshiping God was what I needed.  God was speaking to me through each song on her setlist.

Her last song was Forever.  This is one of my favorite songs ever and until recently (when I got a new phone) was my ringtone.  To lift my voice with hers, in person, as well as hundreds of others to declare that forever He will be glorified was amazing!  She finished the song and said, “Earlier I got to meet Kristen and her family and they are walking through a difficult season.  My son, Canyon, can see angels.  He would get excited and ask us what that was and we couldn’t see what he was talking about.  We asked if it made him happy to see what he sees, and he said yes.  When I looked over at your family during that last song, I saw angels surrounding your family.  You are not alone.  God commands His angels to surround us and they are surrounding you.  I truly believe that this is just a season for you.  I am praying, we all are praying, for your healing from cancer.  I hope I didn’t embarrass you, but I wanted to tell you.”

What if I had let fear dictate my night and not have gone?  I would have missed God speaking to me, the opportunity to worship Him with my family and fellow believers, and have met someone I’ve admired for years.

Satan uses our fears to distract us from God’s truth- we are not alone, He will never leave us nor forsake us, and we have hope!  I am so grateful that He reminded me of those things, yet again, through Kari Jobe and her concert.  Earlier in the night, Kari told us about how her son can see “monsters” and how they taught him to tell them to ‘go away in Jesus’ name.’ and how we can tell our fears and worries to do the same and they have to leave because of the power of Jesus’ name.  Maybe you needed that reminder, too.

The amazing people of the Church of Eleven22 thought they were just being kind and giving us a night out to attend a concert to have fun as a family.  However, God had other ideas.  He used that as a divine appointment to speak loudly to us about who He is, to give us the opportunity to worship, and to speak hope into our lives.  What a great ending of a tough week! Thank you Jesus! We are so grateful to the Church of Eleven22 following God’s urging to reach out to us and bless us with this opportunity because God used it mightily in our lives.

Round 5 is tomorrow with my in-patient chemo.  Would you pray for me?  Please pray that it goes well, side effects are minimal, and that cancer is dying and the lesion is shrinking.

I have a scan next week to check and see how chemo is working via the lesion size.  Please pray that it is shrinking, that chemo is doing what it is supposed to do, and that God will protect my heart and mind over the next week as we approach the scan date.

Your prayers mean so much to me!  There is such power in prayer and we are so grateful that you pray for us!  God is using them to sustain us and is answering them! Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

“Pray without ceasing” 1Thessalonians 5:17