Do It Again

Wheels on the Truck

The last week has been difficult at best.  The Neulasta brought white blood cell growth but also brought bone pain.  Trying to recover from chemo on Thursday with the addition of bone pain that Tylenol laughed at was tough.  Perhaps God knew I needed something else to consume my mind rather than the fears and doubts that were trying to take it captive over the upcoming scans.  Regardless, I was very thankful for a medication that would help prevent me from becoming neutropenic and a high-risk for infection and further complications.  Thank you Lord for the person who invented heating pads and bathtubs that hold hot water.  Again, Jesus walked with me every single step and provided the strength I needed to make it through.

I didn’t sleep well Sunday night.  So, I used that time to sing praises to God, recite verses, and pray, hard.  Again, my soul resonates with David and crying out to God in the middle of a sleepless night while ill.

Craig and I spent Monday morning reading the Bible and singing praises to God.  It was a conscience decision to not allow Satan even a second of our time in his fears, doubts, and lies.  There is something so comforting and peaceful about reading God’s Word and His promises to us.  When we shift our minds from our overwhelming situations to the One who has the ultimate control and loves us beyond our comprehension, peace is found.  That is right where God wants us- in total reliance upon Him.

I received a phone call that the MRI machine at MDA was down and I had to go to one off of 103rd and Blanding.  Um, scary!  It’s not the greatest area and I had appointments scheduled immediately afterwards with the brain and radiation doctors.  She assured me that they were okay with me being 10-15 minutes late.  So, Craig and Mom (where would I be without these two rocks in my life?), took me over there.  I was in a pretty significant amount of pain and had no idea how I was going to lie still for an hour in an MRI.  I hate MRI’s.  I am claustrophobic; placing a locking “helmet” over my head and putting me is a machine that if I wiggled my nose I’d get stuck in isn’t my idea of fun, not to mention the significance of the results weighing on my mind.  Once we arrived and I was taken back, the lady who was doing the test asked if I wanted to listen to easy listening music or country.  Neither I said and asked if she could put on KLOVE, a Christian radio station that is my favorite.  I told her I needed a lot of Jesus right then.  She assured me she did, too and said she loved the station.  As she moved me inside the machine, the music began playing.  Chris Tomlin’s Whom Shall I Fear started playing.  Remember crying in scans only leads to tears in your ears.  I was trying so hard not to ugly cry and move lest the test be invalid, but Jesus thank you!  Every song thereafter was one my soul needed.  There is no music option at MDA.  God knew I needed to be able to listen to His promises so that my hour spent inside that machine wasn’t anxiety-filled, with fears and doubts warring for my mind.  He truly is in every single detail, always.  You just have to open your eyes to see Him.  I survived the MRI without having to squeeze the panic ball to get out- I count that as a win.  The technician told me she would be praying for me- wow, thank you Lord that someone I had just met that didn’t even know me or my story would be lifting me up to you.

We arrived at MDA to then wait for an hour and a half to see my brain doctor.  Talk about a lesson on waiting on God and patience.  Craig and I (as well as my Mom) had claimed that the scans were going to be clear when we walked into the exam room.  But the longer you sit there, the harder you have to pray away the devil and his lies.  Finally, the PA came in and asked lots of questions as a neuro check.  He then tested my grip, eyes, strength, etc that come along with having a brain surgery.  He states all looks well.  He then says, “Your scan looks great.  I didn’t want you to have to wait any longer to hear.  We will wait on my boss to confirm it, but it looks perfect.”  Instant ugly cry.  THANK YOU GOD!  Dr. C comes in and states that the scan looks great and he in fact had to scroll through twice to see what he was even supposed to be looking for.  There had been talk of possibly having to have a round of radiation on my brain once I finished chemo.  He stated that radiation wasn’t necessary now unless something came up in the future.  He told me it’s time to put the wheels back on the truck.  I’ll have to have another scan in 3 months, but it’s time to resume life from his standpoint.

We lifted our hands in thankfulness to God and danced in that room!  God you are so good.  It was my grandfather’s birthday- I called and told him that God gave me his present this year; he assured me that news was his gift as well.

86,400

Tuesday morning dawned early.  Praise God I was able to get some rest the night before.  I was extremely nervous about the PET scan that morning.  Craig and I have prayed hard (as have all of you) that these scans would be clear.  We were believing in faith that they would be.  That doesn’t mean that the fear of the unknown didn’t creep in.

For PET scans they inject you with radioactive sugar to make the cancer glow.  After the injection you have to sit silent in a room by yourself for an hour so it has time to circulate your body before the scan.  I took my verse cards with me and prayed them over myself and the scan.  I prayed and pleaded with Jesus.  Thankfully I had forethought to bring tissues back with me for my soul’s cries were leaking out of my eyes.

The technician came before I was ready, but I followed her to the room.  I laid down like she asked and closed my eyes.  The machine isn’t as closed as the MRI machine, but I still don’t like seeing myself in a tunnel.  There was no music offered, so I sang Do it Again by Elevation Worship (I’ve seen you move, come move the mountains, and I believe, I’ll see you do it again, you made a way where there was no way, and I believe I’ll see you do it again) in my head along with praying to Jesus that nothing would light up because He had successfully killed it all. I prayed hard that my lung lesion had shrunk away from my heart and that the lesion itself was dead cancer cells that wouldn’t light up either.  The test was finally over and the real test began- the waiting.  Every second after that test was over was difficult.  The last time I had a PET scan the doctor called within hours to tell us the results over the phone because he didn’t want us to worry over the next two weeks.

We anticipated a call.  We got one from MDA- a robocall to let us know of my appointment on Thursday.   Craig and I were both shaking when the phone rang and sick when we hung up.  Thank goodness our heart rates weren’t being monitored, someone would have come running to check on us.  The doctor didn’t call with results and Satan was battling hard to convince us it was because it was bad news.  However, God knew we needed those two days to continue our growth in faith and reliance on Him; He works on us in the waiting.  We resolved in our hearts that we would not be shaken and that we would instead praise God for what He had already done and believe in what He was going to do.  I’m so thankful that we had each other to remind the other one when doubts wanted to creep in.  It.was.a.battle. Every single 86,400th second was felt over those two, very long days.

Saving Grace

While the girls were at church on Wednesday night, I walked our home praying.  I stopped in front of a family picture that was taken mere days after my brain surgery and days before my chemo port surgery and pleaded with God to let me be here to continue raising my daughters to be warriors and trailblazers for Christ.

Before family prayers on Wednesday night, Ava looked distraught.  I asked her what was wrong and she said she wanted to talk to Craig and I later.  Craig walked in her room to get her for family prayers and she was on her knees praying beside her bed, something we hadn’t witnessed before.  We prayed as a family and put Makaila to bed.

We asked Ava what was wrong and she had a hard time opening up to talk about, which isn’t uncharacteristic for her.  She has a hard time talking about things that she deems hard to talk about.  I was wondering if something happened at school or church.  They had watched a film that Craig thought might have been upsetting.  She was uncomfortable with the video, but no, that wasn’t it.  She began telling us that she had been feeling God tugging on her heart the last month or so about salvation.  She felt like she wasn’t saved.  She had a salvation experience at the age of 7 and was baptized.  So, we talked to her about not being able to lose your salvation once you are saved.  She stated that she didn’t truly understand what she was doing then and felt like she just followed after her friends (three of them walked the aisle together that day); God had impressed that upon her heart.  Through further discussion, she felt like God was telling her she needed to be saved and that she fully understood what Jesus did for her.

We had the amazing privilege of leading our daughter to salvation through prayer on Wednesday night, a night that Craig and I were desperately trying to cling to who God says He is and His faithfulness and not worry about tomorrow.  It’s really hard to worry about tomorrow when your daughter prays to receive Christ and is granted eternity!  JOY!  What joy flooded our home that night and we loudly rejoiced along with the angels over her salvation.  GOD.IS.SO.GOOD!  What joy I have knowing my daughters know Jesus.

Ephesians 3:20-21

I have read Psalms 30 many times over the last few weeks.  God keeps bringing me back to David’s words and pleas which closely mimicked mine.  So, it is no surprise to me that God brought me to that passage again this morning as we waited our appointment this afternoon at 4:30.  We read passages together and one that so resonated with me was Hebrews 11- the hall of faith.  The writer recounts individuals who had displayed great faith in God in the Bible.  These individuals faced the unknown, but chose to trust God instead of themselves or succumb to fear and doubt and not do what God was asking them to do. We have a choice: either believe that God is who He says He is and will be faithful or don’t.  I don’t want to fall into that latter category.  That isn’t to say that my faith is always strong and that doubts and fears don’t come in.  But as Lysa Teurkerst said in her latest book It’s not supposed to be this way, “weak moments don’t mean weak faith.”

It has been a constant, conscience choice all day to have faith, to pray in faith, and stand in faith that God would provide clear scans today.  It hasn’t been easy.  Reading God’s Word and signing praise songs has helped.  I’m thankful for Craig and his reassurance that God has this.  Also found in Lysa Teurkerst’s book is the statement (pardon my paraphrase): When the future looks scary, looking back at what God has done and tracing His hand helps calm those fears and gives us faith that He will do it again.  Craig and I have done a great deal of tracing today.  Something I hope to share in the future.

I had to arrive an hour before my appointment to have blood drawn.  A phlebotomist called my name and it wasn’t my favorite girl.  I asked if I could see my favorite; this phlebotomist said that she thought she had left for the day but she’d check.  Out walks “C” and said I was about to leave, but of course I’ll stay for you! Thankfully she found a vein to cooperate (as she always does) and chatted with me for a minute.  I told her it was my scan appointment and she told me she was praying for a healthy 2019.

Craig and I sat in the courtyard at MDA which is beautiful- gorgeous landscaping and a beautiful fountain.  It was peaceful.  We prayed for every patient and their families there today, that they would see the miracles of God through healing.  We prayed for our family and a new difficulty that was brought to us this week.  We prayed for clear scans, for faith and confidence in knowing that God was going to “do it again” in our lives.

We met my parents upstairs and headed to the appointment.  After meeting with the CNA and nurse, it was time to wait again.  My oncologist is usually very timely, today he was running a bit behind. Satan kept trying to throw “what-ifs” my way, but I was standing firmly on the fact that God was going to work a miracle and my scans were going to be clear and that the lesion remaining was dead tissue.  It was the longest 20 minute wait ever.

Finally he walks in and asks how I am doing.  He pulls up the computer and says that my scans look good and he didn’t want me to worry about that.  Define good???  He pulls up the computer and the scans.

NOT ONE LIT UP PLACE ON IT!!!!  The lung? NO ACTIVE CANCER!!!

Remember, my tumor markers were considered normal a month ago and I had to do a month of “over-treatment” to make sure that everything else that could be floating around was killed.  My lung lesion at that point hadn’t shrunk much as measured by the pre-chemo scans.  Well, God heard my prayers over it shrinking away from my heart.  Thank you God!

THE LESION IS 25% SMALLER than it was on the last scan and there is a margin now in between the lesion and my heart!

We immediately lifted up our hands and started praising God.  Hallelujah!  God is so good and does beyond what we could ever ask or imagine!

Overwhelmed.  We are so overwhelmed by what God has done.  He has taken us through our darkest valley, built our faith, and broke us down to dust to form us into who He needed us to be.  He provided His strength to get through each day- we are not strong enough to go through this on our own; not one second did I walk in my own strength, I couldn’t. He is a God of restoration, of healing, and renewal.  He will always take your suffering and work it together for your good in His perfect timing- His word states that (Romans 8:28).

There is power in prayer.  1 John 5:14-15 tells us that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  God answers prayer.  With tears streaming down my face, I want to thank you from the depths of my soul for praying, in faith, for my healing and for my family.  It has overwhelmed me knowing so many were praying to God, the Creator and Great Physician, on my behalf and for my healing.  Thank you seems so insufficient, but it is all I have, that and a commitment to pray for each of you in the manner in which you prayed for me.

Next steps

I’ll need a pulmonary function test soon before surgery.  I’ll be meeting with a lung surgeon in the next few weeks to discuss and schedule surgery.  I need to recover from an aggressive chemotherapy treatment schedule first.  My blood counts need to come back up to normal levels.  My body needs to strengthen and stamina increase.

Scans will come every three months for the first year.  They will then stretch out to 4-6 months for the following.  After the third year of clear scans, I’ll be sent on my way.  I am praying that every scan from now on will be clear and that cancer will never return to my body.  I am so ready to live with the renewed purpose God has given me and the platform for Craig and I to minister to others.  God let my strength come quickly, we have work to do!

Would you pray that I’ll avoid sickness and infection while my body and immune system recover?  Would you pray that the surgeon appointment will go how God wants it to?

Will you pray for my friend Kristy tonight as she is recovering from a double mastectomy?  Would you pray for someone near and dear to me who just received a breast cancer diagnosis and is meeting with doctors in the morning?  Thank you so very  much!

Tonight, I can breathe fully for the first time in months.  I can fall asleep knowing that because of your prayers and ours, God heard our cries and healed me.  The depth of my gratitude is indescribable.  I’m overwhelmed by His great love for me and that He has restored me.  Thank you Jesus, thank you.  Praise your Holy, wonderful, magnificent name!