Just Breathe

Come and Rest at My Feet…

I finally was able to see the lung surgeon, whom is also the medical director for MD Anderson.  He is such a busy guy.

Craig, Mom, and I were waiting for what seemed like forever for the doctor to come in my room.  The PA came in and started talking to us.  She was very sweet and was asking me general questions about my journey.  She asked if I had seen my recent PET scan results- we told her we had only seen the lung portion.  She pulled them up and started talking to us about them.  We were mildly panicking because my bones were lit up orange and yellow, not the sign you want to see on a PET scan.  She quickly explained that it just meant my bone marrow was working hard for me.  Later, it donned on us that the scan was 5 days after receiving Neulasta; my bone marrow was in hyper-drive trying to mass produce white blood cells, thus them being lit up like they were on the scan.

She asked if I had questions, which of course, I did.  She answered them patiently and then began explaining the procedure.  My oncologist had previously explained that they would be taking the lesion off with margins (meaning they take a little healthy tissue surrounding the bad to ensure they got it all).  However, she told me they would be taking the top lobe of my right lung.  This certainly wasn’t what I was expecting.  Cue the tears.  It’s been a hard journey of twists and turns, ups and downs and lots of changes.  The PA was amazing and started to console me and talk me through the procedure and what it would mean long-term.  About this time, the surgeon walks in.  I welcomed him to the “Hot Mess Express.”  He sat on his stool, rolled over in front of me and took both of my hands.  He looked me in the eye and told me that it was going to be okay.  He explained the surgery and why they were going to take the top lobe and that I would return to normal, pre-surgery lung function after a year.  He told me that he had operated on others with choriocarcinoma, so this wasn’t the first time he had seen this type of cancer.  To someone who has a rare cancer and has an even more rare case and set of circumstances, that soothed some nerves.  He looked at Craig and assured him that he was going to take very good care of me.  I stated that I was nervous because it was so close to my heart.  He commented that in the chest cavity, everything is close to everything else, but that he had operated in these circumstances on lungs thousands of times.  He was amazing in his “bed-side manner” and exuded such confidence and competence.  He was so kind and truly sought to ease our fears to the best of his ability.  I can’t say enough positive things about the doctors at MD Anderson- each one has been exceptional.

Waiting, Waiting, and More Waiting

We left that appointment with the assurance that the surgery scheduler would be contacting me the next day to set surgery.  I jokingly asked him what he was doing that Friday and could we make it happen then.  My return to work date was quickly looming and I wanted to have as much recovery time as possible before going back.

Unfortunately, the next week was wrought with waiting and lack of communication.  The surgeon wanted to research some more and talk to colleagues about the best course of action for my case and wanted records from my hysterectomy surgery in 2011.

The surgery scheduler, nurse manager, and PA all were on differing pages as to why my surgery couldn’t be scheduled yet.  It was slightly maddening since I was in a hurry to get this scheduled and didn’t want them to schedule others out so far that I had to extend my work leave, which is more difficult than just asking for more time.

God has repeatedly told me to “be still” and let Him fight this battle for me.  Again, this was what He was telling me.  His timing is always perfect.  Finally, they called with my surgery date, February 21st.  I was happy (well as much as you can be about this kind of surgery) that it was then because that gave me two weeks of recovery before I had to go back to work (I haven’t worked since October 5th when our world came to a screeching halt).  I had no more put it on the calendar on my phone before my phone rang and the scheduling lady told me that he doesn’t operate in the afternoon, it will now be on the 28th at 7:30 am with report time of 5:30 am.  Oh my word!  That is early in the morning for this night owl.

R&R

Craig and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary and our 20th dating anniversary on Valentine’s day.  We were wanting to take a cruise to celebrate this year, but God had other plans in mind for us.  At the last minute, we decided to rent a cabin in Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge and get away for a few days.  Since I had been on “house arrest” due to my immune system since October, I was so excited.  It was so nice to chill in front of the fireplace and look out at the majesty of God’s handiwork.  Craig and I had been in the valley for the last several months, trying to climb the mountain that was in front of us, praying in faith that it would move.  God tells us that if we have faith as little as a mustard seed, mountains will move (Matthew 17:20).  I’m glad, because sometimes all I have is a little faith, but God steps in our gaps and carries us when we can’t take another step.  Praise God! I am so thankful for the time we had to escape, as much as possible, the craziness of this journey for a few days and just be Craig and Kristen.

Healing

Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to rest and not do all.the.things since I have stopped chemo.  My immune system is still compromised and low so that has limited a great deal due to doctor orders.  I can’t tell you how badly I want to go back to church, go to choir practice, go to work, go grocery shopping for my family, get a pedicure; all the things that we don’t usually stop and think about but are a part of our every day life, things that before this journey I might have complained about doing…

My hair has begun growing back.  Praise the Lord!  I had this fear that it wouldn’t come back.  Losing it was one of the hardest parts of this journey.  Craig and I are now hair twins.  Never in my life did I think I’d have matching “haircuts” with my husband, but alas, here I am.  I try not to think about how long it’s going to take to have it back at the length it was when I lost it, but I know God is in even the smallest of things.  He is a God of restoration and I am praying that He will continue to allow my hair to grow and grow back faster than it has in the past.

Surgery

Tomorrow will be the fourth surgery that I have had since October, one of which was under no anesthesia.  It’s crazy to think about it in that way.  I have been on such a day-to-day basis and limited myself to only thinking about today (something I have never done in my life despite God telling us to do so because I am a planner by nature), that I haven’t thought back to the beginning of this journey and “added” things up or thought about the ups and downs in totality until recently.  This week has been increasingly more nerve wracking leading up to my lung surgery.  With my brain surgery, I was still in such a state of shock that I didn’t fully comprehend what all was going on and that I was having surgery on.my.brain.  Oh what a blessing that actually was in hindsight.  With my port surgeries, I was scared and dealing with the thought of chemo and then being in the middle of chemo, that I didn’t have time to worry about the what-ifs.  Satan’s playground is in the what-ifs.  He loves to make us worry and scared because then we become paralyzed.

However, God is constant.  He is faithful.  I was reminded again of His faithfulness this week when my young adult pastor texted me a link to my testimony that I wrote several years ago for a young adult conference our church was hosting.  The theme was “Overcome.”  I cringed when I clicked on it thinking that it was probably, in my opinion, going to be bad.  I immediately thought before reading it, “Girl, if you only knew then what I know now…”  (which I still have so much to learn!).  However, God showed me through that testimony that He had me even then and was preparing me even then for this time in my life.  Some of the things I have felt Him saying to me and things I felt then are similar to the present.  He has carried me through each battle and always put individuals in my life to help me on my journey.  I pray that God will allow me to help others in their journey.  God overcame death and the grave and He is helping me to overcome fear and doubt through His word and presence in my life.  I can’t express how thankful I am to serve a God who loves me so much that He speaks to me right when I need it and is always there, through every season of my life.  I needed that reminder of my testimony of years ago.  I am praying that God will use this current test and turn it into my testimony of His incredible faithfulness and the power of prayer.

I’d like to share a little of what I wrote for that blog post, because I think it bears repeating, especially to myself.  I was referring to Rheumatoid Arthritis, something I had been recently diagnosed with when I wrote the post, but I think it can apply to cancer as well.

“It hasn’t been easy, nor will it ever be. He never promised that life would be; He just promised to always be with me. I have never experienced God’s love as I did and still am through this. He sent person after person to speak directly to the fears that only He and I knew because I was too terrified to voice them. He played just the right song on the radio when my fears threatened to overwhelm me. He set my eyes to the perfect verses to remind me that He is who He says He is, He is good and I can trust Him. And you know what? He still is. When I decide to pitch a fit about not having RA, like I can take it off like a coat, He puts someone in my path who has it and can help me in my journey, or better yet, who I can help through theirs.

God loves us infinitely more than we can ever understand or imagine. He is inherently good and will always redeem our tough situations for good, even if we can’t see how. Sometimes, overcoming isn’t about healing, winning a victory, or getting what we want. Sometimes it’s in the fighting to trust God in the hard times, walking with Him even when we can’t see the road or even where to place our next step. Overcoming sometimes is choosing to trust God and paying attention to all the ways that He is telling you and showing you daily that He loves you, He sees you, He hears you, and He cares. Sometimes overcoming is redeeming our circumstances for God’s glory. I may never be fully accepting of this disease and its effects on my life. However, I am infinitely grateful for the depth it has brought in my relationship with my Creator. And because of that, I have overcome. ”

Sometimes, we need to look back and trace God’s hand to see what He has done to have faith in what He is doing and going to continue to do.  I am so thankful that He has carried me to this point.  He has kept me well so that surgery tomorrow is even a possibility and I am beyond grateful.  I am praying that I wake up from surgery tomorrow finally completely rid of cancer cells, even the dead ones they are removing, and that God will begin healing my body from the effects of the last 5 months.  I am praying that God will carry me through this surgery and recovery just as he has the last three in recent months and all the others I’ve had previously. I am praying that God will restore my health and strength so that I can be a witness of what He has done for me to everyone I come in contact with in the various roles He has called me to.

Will you pray for me for the following?

• My nerves:  I am getting nervous about the surgery tomorrow.  I have to wake up at 3:30 am to drink a pre-surgery drink and then head out at 5:00 am- I’m fairly certain good sleep won’t happen for me tonight.  Will you pray that God will draw close to me and help me control my mind and nerves tonight and in the morning?
• Surgical team- that they will make the best decision, God’s will, using the knowledge that God has blessed them with in what they decide to do during surgery tomorrow whether that be a lung resection or removing the top lobe and that they will get it all.
• Pathology- For pathology to show dead choriocarcinoma cells and not some other form of cancer.
• Complication free- will you pray that there will be  no complications during surgery or in my recovery from surgery and that pain will be manageable?
• Craig, my girls, and family:  While leading up to surgery, I will be a ball of nerves, I get to sleep during the actual surgery itself.  My amazing husband and family will be sitting in a waiting room for hours anxiously awaiting news.  Please pray for them-that God will give them peace while they wait.  Please pray for my girls tomorrow as well.
• Nurses- From the nurse in pre-op to the nurses providing me care during my several day stay in the hospital, will you pray that they will be compassionate, competent, and provide care like they would want someone for their loved ones?

Thank you for your continued prayers for me and my family.  They mean the world to us and are truly carrying us through.

Will you continue to pray for the following people who are in cancer battles as well?

• Nicole
• Tiffany
• Mr. M
• Katie
• Maggie
• Jeff
• Kathy

I don’t know what you may be going through right now that may seem impossible.  God can and will redeem your journey and will bring beauty from the ashes.  Trust Him, for He is worthy.  He loves you more than you’ll ever be able to comprehend fully and is waiting with open arms for you to turn to Him.  I pray you find comfort in Jesus tonight.  Craig and I are praying for each of you and are so thankful for your prayers for us!

**I predicted correctly about not getting much sleep last night. There is a verse that I had handlettered on my nightstand to serve as a reminder to me- “There is power in persistent prayer” Micah 7:7. This morning as I was walking back into my bedroom to read my devotion, it was sitting on the top step of my stool I use to climb into my high bed (short girl problems). God knew that I needed to literally stand on this verse today!

I opened my email this morning to my Proverbs 31 ministries devotion to read it after waking at 4:00 this morning. The Bible verse that it was centered on… Psalms 46:10- “Be still and know that I am God.” There is no such thing as coincidence, but rather divine intervention. God knew I needed that reminder this morning, lung surgery morning, when my fears were starting to rise. He is so good and kind. I’m so thankful for the reminder yet again that He is fighting my battles, I just need to be still.