Rainbows

Cruisin’ into Teenage Mom Life:

Ava turned 13 on January 12th.  I cannot believe that she is now an official teenager.  I remember praying fervently to Jesus last year to live to see her next birthday.  I was unable to truly celebrate her last year due to just finishing chemo.  Craig and I had been praying about a trip for her birthday this year.  She (and Makaila) have been asking to go on a cruise for the last several years.  We normally aren’t “travel the world” type of people, so this was a bit out of our comfort zone.  However, we researched and booked a cruise.  We left on a Tuesday and returned on a Thursday- that next Saturday I had scans.  It was difficult at times to live in the moment and not worry about the scans that were coming my way in a matter of days.  We had an amazing time, despite rough seas and feeling green several days.  Praise God for the invention of Bonine!

On the way to Miami, my mind started racing and fear started looming.  Scan anxiety can be overwhelming.  God chose that moment to display a beautiful rainbow over the interstate.  It was such a God-wink moment.  On our first day at sea, Craig and the girls were playing ping-pong on the deck.  I was struggling to remain present and not allow Satan to run rampant with my fears.  I prayed that God would speak peace over my heart.  As I was walking over to my family, I looked out over the sea to finish my prayer.  A double rainbow was ablaze with its ends touching the water.  It was the most beautiful sight I have ever beheld, save my children.  God promises in Genesis 9:13-16 that He will never flood the earth again and that a rainbow is a sign of His covenant to us.  God was speaking directly to my heart, saying that He promised to always be with me and that I can trust Him.  Wow!  What a moment- to feel His presence and to know that He loves me enough to use His creation to speak to me and get my attention! Over the course of our cruise we saw several rainbows!  It was amazing.

On the way home from Miami, the dread started rising up.  Sometimes it feels like I am being led to the gulag when scans are looming.  I usually don’t sleep well for weeks leading up to them and this time was no different.  When you are exhausted, emotions can run in overdrive.  I was talking to Craig about these scans and appointments and was worried about what they were going to say.  Craig lovingly reminded me that God has got this- I know that in my heart, but sometimes my head starts playing tricks on me.  I looked up with tears in my eyes to agree with him and there in close proximity to us was a rainbow stretching over I-95.  It stayed there for almost an hour as we drove home. On Friday after work as I was heading home, another rainbow stretched out over I-95. It was mind-blowing how many rainbows I had seen over the course of six days! Coincidental- not in the least!

God, yet again, was reminding me that come what may, He is faithful and keeps His promises.  He cannot be anything but faithful and He is always with me as His word says.

Am I Glowing Yet?:

My scan appointments on Saturday were a bit of a train wreck.  They ordered the wrong test, had to get confirmation with the on-call doctor for the right test, conducted my MRI before my Valium set in (hello, claustrophobic here), and so on…  Sigh.  But, the technician was able to get an IV started on the first try, a miracle after chemo has destroyed my veins!  We’ll call that a win!

Last night as I was praying, I got onto my Bible app.  I like to pray Scripture over myself and others, so it was a natural reach.  My prayer Scripture cards that I created right after my diagnosis were in the car, so my Bible app it was. So many verses were on the landing page that God has used to speak to me over the last 14 months- 2 Corinthians 5:17, Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 12:2, Ephesians 2:10, Philippians 4:6-7, Matthew 6:33, Romans 8:28, Lamentations 3:23, Philippians 3:14, Isaiah 61:3… Come what may, God was going to go before me.  I can rest assured that no matter what happens today or tomorrow, He is already there making a way for me.

I am so thankful that God left us His word to guide us through difficult times.  It is a comfort and the way He speaks life to us.  If you haven’t read your Bible in a while, I encourage you to dust it off, open it, and ask God to speak to you through His word.  He will and it will be a comfort and blessing to you, providing instruction on how to live.

My appointments were today to discuss my scans.  I met with my brain doctor and my oncologist.  It feels like an eternity sitting in the waiting area, making nervous small talk waiting on them to come in the room.  When I hear the doorknob jingle, it is a fight-or-flight moment every time.  Heart-racing, palms-sweating you make small talk with the doctor all while hoping they get to the results part or not.  It’s such a moment of indecision- most of the time I’d like to run and hide, unfortunately that wouldn’t do me any good. The truth will still be the truth…

My brain doctor told me my scans looked great and from a cancer standpoint I am doing well.  I still have difficulty forming words when I am exhausted and/or rushed, but that will continue to get better he says.  He told me that I can now go four months in between scans instead of three- sweet victory!

Next up, my oncologist told me that my cancer marker was still low, which is such awesome news!  Miraculous really.  My CT scan was also clear save the spot they saw last time which is some fancy word for something we are all born with, but cancer treatment made mine enlarge.  If it becomes an issue in the future, surgery will be on the horizon to remove it.  So, prayerfully it goes back to normal size. My oncologist said that from a cancer standpoint, I am doing well and said we could go 6 months in between scans!  Oh happy day!  Miracles abound!  I almost cried sitting in the patient room!

Isaiah 61:1-3 is about God healing the brokenhearted, comforting those who mourn, giving beauty for ashes and oil of joy for mourning that we might be called trees of righteousness so that He may be glorified.  This verse popped in my head as I was walking out of MD Anderson today.  God doesn’t always rescue us out of the storm, but we can weather the storm without the storm being inside of us.  These last 14 months of my life have been the most difficult with unknowns, fear, and pain.  God didn’t rescue me from a cancer diagnosis, but instead asked me to walk through it but also to trust Him and His word that He would bring something good from this so that He could be glorified.

Today felt like beauty for ashes.  No journey in life is linear.  I will continue with scans for at least 3 years, but I know my God will be with me every.single.step.of.the.way.  He hasn’t failed me yet by not being there when I call His name.  He won’t fail you either.  I pray that if you are going through a difficult time, you will cry out to Him. He loves you more than you can imagine.

Thank you for continually lifting me up in prayer to Jesus throughout this journey I am on.  It means more to me than I’ll ever be able to verbally convey.  Craig and I pray for you by name and thank God for you being a part of our village.  Having you throughout this journey has truly carried us through- thank you for allowing God to use you to be a tremendous blessing to us.  We love you and are eternally grateful for each of you!