2020’s Vision

Weary

I’m not sure about you friend, but the last few months have me feeling weary at times.  2020 has been some kind of crazy.  Restrictions, fear of getting sick, lack of control, social unrest, you name it, has been a lot to deal with.  Throw in cancer scans and oncology appointments, well the last few weeks have been tough.  Our connection group, whom I miss dearly since we can’t meet due to COVID-19, has a slogan.  It’s “We GET to do this.”  I have had to be so intentional with not allowing the unnormal life that we are all living to disrupt my peace and faith.  We get to do these things, albeit a little differently than before!  Jesus tells us in His word, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  I’m not sure about you, but the current state of affairs, life stuff, cancer stuff, all of it has been burdensome.  Sometimes all it takes is speaking Jesus’ name for peace to flood my soul.  We don’t have to have all the answers for we serve a God who is already in tomorrow.  Life is hard, but God is so gracious to meet us where we are.  If you are burdened and weary today, call out to Jesus and lay it at His feet.  Be renewed in a way that only comes from spending time in His Word and speaking with Him in prayer.

Hindsight is 20/20?

In 4 days, it will be two years since the world as we knew came to a screeching halt.  It is hard for me to comprehend that much time has passed.  Craig and I rarely revisit the rawness of those gut-wrenching, emotional days from October 5, 2018- November 5, 2018.  The uncertainty, the bone-chilling fear is something we try not to dwell on in our day-to-day because it is just too much.  However, when anniversaries roll around, it brings it all back.  Having scans again this close to October 5^th was difficult to not allow Satan to run rampant with my thoughts of “what-ifs.”   I walked into the ER with a migraine, was diagnosed with metastatic cancer, and left with 14 staples and a craniotomy under my belt with so much uncertainty looming in the days and weeks to come. When we talk about everything that happened in that first month and beyond through my surgeries and treatment, we are in awe of all that God did for us.  The saying, “Hindsight is 20/20” rings true for us in this situation.  Sometimes we cannot see what God is doing while we are in the midst of our trials, but once we come out on the other side of the storm, we can see God’s hand in everything.  If you look closely enough, you can find God everywhere. 

I have struggled lately with finding “that girl” again- the one I was before cancer.  I try to look for her in the mirror everyday when I get ready for work.  This curly hair that I now have reminds me that she isn’t there in the mirror, it’s someone new staring back at me.  I struggle with feeling carefree like I did before cancer- to not have my mortality ever present, to not worry about leaving my family without a mother or wife, to not worry about having to walk through cancer again.  I didn’t realize just how carefree I was.  Sure, there is living in between scans, but once they get close all those thoughts come rolling through as I count down the days to scan appointments.  Last night, Craig and I were talking about how I’m not “me” anymore.  He told me that God didn’t want me to be her anymore, that He wanted me to be who I am now.  WOW!  That kind of took my breath away.  I know that God used cancer to refine me, to change me, to make me who He could use.  However, I haven’t ever thought about not ever returning to the old me because God didn’t want me to- to no longer be the one who looked like me, who I was used to seeing staring back at me every day; the one who wasn’t confined with fear and worry at times; the one who wasn’t weary of her fight.  I think so often we want to return to what we deem was the best version of ourselves instead of taking a hard look at who God wants us to be because of the circumstances He has brought us through.  It was a humbling moment for sure; one I hope I will use to be thankful for my scars, this journey, and to learn to love the new “me”- the one who is very quick to rely on Jesus now instead of myself, the one who sees others’ hurt because she’s been there, too.

Do I Glow-in-the-Dark Yet?

You guys know I hate MRI machines, like with a passion.  Today as I was being slid back into the confining tube, I was wondering how in the world they would get me out if the power failed.  Praise Jesus that didn’t happen today.  This is scan number 29 (between MRI, CT, CAT, and PET scans), I believe, since October 5^th, 2018.  I think I should be able to glow-in-the-dark now. Today, the nurse was able to start my IV with one stick- a miracle within itself due to chemo-destroyed veins.  I was able to listen to my contemporary Christian music through the scan- the only way I can mentally stay in that machine for 45 minutes to an hour is by singing in my head to Jesus- definitely not moving my mouth and having to start all over again!

I had to wait over an hour and a half past my appointment time today to see my brain oncologist.  Naturally, your brain goes to the worst-case scenario as to why it was taking so long to review my scans.  Normally, the doctor sends the PA in first (who is amazing) to make small talk with me and then 15 minutes later will tell me about the scans.  Today, the doctor comes in the room himself first.  Instant.DREAD!  He asked how we were doing.  I have no idea what I said, if anything at all.  He then throws up his hands and jubilantly exclaims, “Your scans are great!”  I thought I was going to fall over in my chair- oh my word at the sweet relief!  Praise the Lord!  He told me there was no evidence of old or new disease.  I made sure to tell him that was Jesus.  Craig’s new jam is Evidence by Josh Baldwin.  He told me after the appointment that my scan was evidence- the evidence of God and that He was there. Unbelievably humbled that God continues to bless us in this way.

What’s next?

I am on a 6-month scan schedule now with my oncologist and a 4-6-month schedule with my brain oncologist.  It is exciting and downright terrifying at the same time. I hate doing them and going through the scan anxiety, but part of me is so thankful that they are looking.

One another note, Our year-long journey of building our home, our beauty for ashes from Jesus, is coming to an end in about 6 weeks.  It has been the most stressful, frustrating, and amazing journey.  Craig and I will ride out there sometimes and just stand in awe of what God has done.  He has blown us away.  We can’t wait to open our doors and pour into those that come inside (or outside because, oh my, at the peaceful setting it is). We have prayed over this home that God will use it and us to bless others.  I cannot wait to see what God will do with our Peaceful Pines (we think that is what we are going to call our “farm” minus the animals, lol; we are open to suggestions for names).

I cannot thank you enough for your thoughtful text messages, comments on Facebook, and most of all, your prayers.  We couldn’t continue on this journey without your prayers for us.  The have and continue to carry us through.  We are eternally grateful for you and for continuing on this journey with us. 

I’m not sure what you are personally walking through tonight- loss, illness, financial stress, struggles with children, or worry over the state of the world we are living in.  I am praying for you and over you tonight.  I pray that you will come to Jesus and allow Him to carry your burden so He can provide you rest.  If you need someone to talk with or pray with you, Craig and I are here for you.