Wrecked

Wrecked. That is how I felt today. 

But in a way that is so humbled, in awe, and so grateful to God for every second of this journey and His grace!

I had an oncology appointment today following my CT scan and bloodwork that checked my cancer markers yesterday. After exchanging pleasantries with the doctor, he stated that my scans looked good and had no evidence of cancer. He reviewed my bloodwork which also showed stable levels. The words that came next are ones that as a cancer survivor you long to hear, but that are terrifying to hear as well. He stated that I was now in a place that they could push my scans out for a year and he felt comfortable and safe in doing so. Such a war of emotions was waging inside of me. Elated that I would be able to have more time in between the contrast and radiation exposure, but so scared to go so long in between them checking. 1 year! I’m still struggling to wrap my mind around it!

The words that he said next completely stole my breath away. He said that I was one of their success stories-hearing him say that took me right back to the moment in the Neuro ICU, hearing the doctors tell me that I had metastatic cancer and that my future was incredibly uncertain and bleak at best. God in His infinite mercy and grace had another plan, one that still completely blows my mind to this day!

It’s not lost on me that the news today came on Craig’s Granddaddy’s birthday. So often through this journey, God had used important dates for our family in my journey. He so detail-oriented that it blows my feeble mind!

Within moments of hearing this, so many other people’s journeys came to mind. Some that don’t have outcomes like mine, some that do, and some that are in the middle of their journey and can’t quite see the end yet. Sometimes it is hard to rejoice knowing that there are so many others that are still suffering or so many that have loved ones that didn’t get to hear the words that I did today.

Cancer is a journey that is so hard. I try really hard to live in the between, meaning in between scans, but sometimes it requires so much of me that it is exhausting. It changes the way you do life, your ability to be fully present and feel all the feels…

Today was a day that on October 5, 2018 I desperately longed to hear and experience. It was hard to take it all in and it really hit me as I walked to the end of the hallway on the 6^th floor of the MD Anderson Cancer Center where I took a picture right after my oncologist told me chemo had worked and I had zero evidence of cancer. I stood in that spot today and just wept. I cried for all of it- the pain, the fear, the unknown, the miracles, the journey back to health, the ability to still be here with my family. Grateful doesn’t even begin to describe the emotions welling up, but it’ll have to suffice.

As I was driving home talking to text some of this blog post, I looked to my left and saw this beautiful double rainbow. God’s promise emblazoned the sky and spoke volumes to my soul as He uses them on days when I seem to need them the most.

God’s still working on me…

Remember that song that you sang as a kid?  God’s still working on me, to make me who He wants me to be.  Still rings true for me today.  I’ve questioned where He is leading me lately and how this is going to grow me into being more like Him. 

Elizabeth Elliot stated the following:

Funny how in our humanness we always equate love with good- but sometimes love doesn’t feel good. God allows us to walk through situations, chapters, or storms to mold us to look more like Him and to use our lives in ways we couldn’t fathom.

Are you walking through a season of refining?  Take heart that God is making you more like Himself.  He will place those in your life that need you and your story to help them in their journey and to look to Jesus. It’s not always fun- the refining, but it is always for our good and He brings beauty from ashes.

I always end with saying thank you to our village for continuing on this journey with us- for praying for us and checking in.  This time is no different and I pray that it doesn’t ring hollow because I truly mean it from the depth of my heart! We are grateful for you and are praying over each one of you as well! If you have a prayer request or need, please let us know!  We would love to take it to Jesus!