The Journey

I often wonder about the text messages our family and friends received from Craig on October 6, 2018 with what was currently happening with me in the Neuro ICU at Baptist. To be honest, those days are very hazy for me. There are moments that feel like they happened just yesterday, but others are fuzzy and not quite in focus. I know that those phone calls were so hard to make and hard to receive.

Over the last several years, there have been some phone calls that have been filled with gut-wrenching news of journeys that my family or friends didn’t want to walk through but found themselves on and I have been broken-hearted. Friday was one such call. One of my best friends texted me that she had a procedure done and they found something that could be cancer. My world shrunk down in that moment and I truly felt sick. I immediately begged Jesus that this wouldn’t be a journey she had to walk. She had already been through so much and it wasn’t fair to ask her to walk this as well. But, God isn’t interested in fairness, he is interested in our holiness.

She and I had scans and doctor appointments on the same day this week. I spent my time in the MRI machine (that still doesn’t have the music headphones fixed, bless it) praying for her- asking God for it to be anything but cancer. Having walked this road myself, I know how hard it can be and I didn’t want that for her.

I managed to stay calm during my MRI despite my medication not working very well.  If you’ve been around a while, you know that brain MRI’s and me aren’t really friends and the only way I can stay in it for the duration of the test without and with contrast is to be medicated.  Well, this time it didn’t work but maybe God allowed that so that I could pray for my friend with clarity of mind.

I got out of the scan early, so Craig and I made our way down to the neuro oncology floor and checked in thinking they would take us early.  Not so much.  During the time I was waiting, I was going through my scripture cards.  They are well-worn and have been used countless number of times during the last 4 years.  I have prayed them over so many others that have had to walk this journey as well. Today I prayed them over my friend.

Once we got into the room, my neuro oncologist came in.  I always have to pray that God will guard what I hear when I meet with him.  Well, he began asking about what I was up to and how my girls were doing.  His son played baseball, so we always chat about Makaila and her travel ball.  We chatted about my overall health and he encouraged me to do the hard thing  to which I replied, well, I am weary from the hard things.  He then gets up and says, “Well, I’ll walk you out.”  We were so nervous to even ask about my scans.  Do we ask and then have to guard ourselves about what else he says or just assume that they are fine since he was wanting to walk us to check out?  Craig finally asked if my scans were good.  He replied that they were and he’d see me back in 6 months.

At check out, I asked about Patrick who is my doctor’s ARNP and my favorite.  He would always temper what my doctor would say and just was so caring.  The scheduler informed me that he had moved on to Mayo.  I wanted to cry.  When someone has had such an integral part of your journey, it is hard to let them go and especially without saying goodbye. 

You often hear me say that God cares about the little things and works in ways to make sure we know He sees us.  As we were heading into my scan today, I was thinking about Craig’s granddaddy.  He went home to Jesus a few weeks ago and that has been tough.  He would often be the first to text me to tell me he was praying and the first to text “Praise God” when he heard that my scans were good. As I was waiting on the scheduler to make a scan appointment for me in 6 months, I looked down at her desk and there was a crocheted cross in a pocket.  Craig’s granddaddy always had one in his pocket and would give them out to everyone he came in contact with.  I was too choked up to ask where she got it from, but I know that God wanted to remind me that although Granddaddy may not be praying for me here on earth, he was still with us and God sees me.

God is in this story

We gathered together with my friend on Sunday to anoint her with oil and pray over her prior to her appointments this week.  What an incredible experience that completely wrecked me.

As I was riding to my scan appointment on Tuesday, I was thinking about her and this song came on the radio, “God is in this story” by Katy Nichole.  It has become a favorite of ours and rings so true for Craig and I.  I texted my friend to let her know I was praying for her and she said that she felt a peace that surpasses understanding and stated that God is in this story!  Wow!  It never ceases to amaze me how God can weave things together to speak directly to your heart.

 This woman, my friend, she is nothing short of amazing but what makes her most amazing is the faith that she has.  She has walked through fire the last few years alongside her daughter.  She has displayed such faith that it is inspiring.  I can only imagine the “ why this,” “why me,” and “why now” that had to be churching in her heart on Friday.  But in her wrestling, Jesus granted her a peace that surpassed understanding and she was claiming that God was in her story.

I wish I could tell you that it wasn’t cancer that they found.  It was.  She texted me about the positives from her appointment on Tuesday and didn’t dwell on the fact that it was what we hoped it wouldn’t be.  She has surgery on December 30^th.  Next steps will be determined once full pathology is back after her surgery.  Will you pray for her with me?  Will you ask God that the surgeon will be able to get all of it without complications?  Will you pray that she will heal quickly and that she will not need chemo?  Please pray for her daughter as well- that God will give her the strength to walk alongside her mom during her cancer journey.  Please pray that fear not have a stronghold on them.  I would be so grateful to you for lifting her up!

God is in her story and I know that He will take this and make good come from it.  I am believing in faith for her healing and restoration.

Change

Over the last 6 months, there have been so many chapters closing and opening.  Anytime a chapter closes, it brings sadness and oftentimes difficulty. 

My PawPaw went to heaven in April.  My parents worked tirelessly for months to prepare his and my Mimi’s home to sell.  Walking through their house, where so many memories were made, for the last time was so hard.  Closing a chapter on being a granddaughter was so difficult.  My grandparents were my cheering section- I could do no wrong in their eyes- or at least not for long.  Shortly after the loss of my PawPaw, Craig’s Granddaddy started declining.  If you know Craig, you know what his Granddaddy means to him.  We were able to enjoy Thanksgiving with him and he went to be with Jesus the week after.  Closing that chapter on being Charlie Cain’s grandson is tough.

Craig and I both had new chapters in our careers that were also outside of our comfort zone, but that God has been working in.  It hasn’t been easy, but God is working in ways that we couldn’t have seen coming.

Over the last year or so, we have felt God tugging at our hearts about other areas of our lives that we may need to close the chapter on and step out in faith. It is hard to step outside of our comfort zones and say yes to the areas that may not feel comfortable, that may be used to stretch us, to refine us. So often we stay put due to not wanting to try something new even though the old is no longer where God wants us. We have been guilty of this. Sometimes the new chapters force us to let go of how we’ve been hurt by others, whether that is in the workplace, family, or even inside the church.

I have struggled so much with “what’s next.”  The irony of us visiting a church for the first time and the sermon series being on “The Next Thing” was attention-grabbing. Cancer makes you good at not looking too far into the future because it is terrifying. Living moment-by-moment can be a good thing (it’s even Biblical to not worry about the future), but oftentimes your life becomes without direction if you never look ahead.  I was fine with this quite honestly because the alternative is too scary.  The pastor stated, “Trust God and do the next thing.  Be faithful today and connect a lifetime of faithfulness.” This was my moto through my cancer journey- just breathe and do the next thing.  So, what’s next doesn’t have to be any different – just trust God and do the next thing He is asking me to do.  Lysa TerKeurst says that “God is good and God is good at being God.”   The circumstances of this life may look nothing like “goodness,” but God can be trusted to walk alongside us and turn our circumstances into something He can use for His glory.   

Dust settling

Transparency is something that I have tried to manifest through my writing on this blog- the good, the bad, and the ugly have been shared here as well as things that are struggles for me in hopes if maybe they resonate with you, you may feel less alone. 

Cancer is lonely and isolating at times.  There are some that come along that have walked your road and can resonate and others who have family members that walked the journey.  Some are there for the hardest parts of the journey but then exit shortly after. Fewer still are those that are there even when you are “on the other side” (there truly is no other side with cancer, those of us that walk this road know that all too well). I think this can be said of any difficulty you may face- loss of a loved one, job, financial hardship.  I think we humans are great at being there in the hardest of times, but then we fade out in our humanness and busyness of life. God knows that I have been guilty countless times of this as well.

With that being said, I have been struggling a lot in the last several months.  With so many changes and not feeling settled or “at home” in many spaces or with many people, it has been tough to manage all the emotions.  When this happens, I compartmentalize to get through the day (thanks to cancer) and stop sleeping.  

Not too long ago, I went to dinner with my best friend and I talked through these struggles with her, admitted to wrestling with ALL.OF.IT.  She told me something that was profound and resonated with my soul.  She said that someone told her that grief/difficulty is like the bomb of Hiroshima. You are in triage mode immediately after the bomb goes off and are trying to put out what is obviously on fire, but that you truly don’t know the extent of the damage until the dust settles. Have you been there? I think the adrenaline has finally worn off and the dust is settling. When I look back over the last 5 years of my life- the loss, cancer, changes (both positive and negative), chapters closing and new ones opening-it is no wonder that it has finally caught up to me.  I’m thankful for those that have stuck with me- who have checked in, who have made time, who have carried me to Jesus without my knowledge and when I do ask- who have done what Jesus has asked them to do because I am a testimony of how God can use your willingness to bless someone else and carry them through a valley.  

Oftentimes, I feel guilty and hesitant to ask for prayer on scan and appointment days.  I know I am 4 years into this journey and sometimes it feels like I “should have it” without having to ask for prayers on my behalf; I also really wrestle with survivor’s guilt and carry that burden daily, so that makes it hard as well.  A few weeks ago during the “The Next Thing” sermon series, the pastor stated that if Jesus needed community during the hardest time in his life to walk in obedience, then so do we. That shook me.  Jesus asked his disciples to watch and pray with him and for him.  He knew what was coming and He still asked them to pray.  We rarely know 100% what is coming next for us, but when we are in the valley, knowing that our friends are praying for us to the One who holds all things and knows all things makes such a huge difference. I know it has for me.

The Next Thing

I pray that God will open my eyes to those around me and help me to not allow the busyness of life to interfere with sending a text, a phone call, taking a meal, or investing time into cultivating a friendship. Losing both of our grandfathers in the last 6 months has made it so clear that we aren’t promised tomorrow and that we will never regret making the effort.

I think it is safe to say that everyone has something that they are walking through.  We often categorize difficulty level, “well, so and so has it worse than me.”  I’ve never liked this way of thinking- it is probably the counselor in me.  What someone else is walking through doesn’t negate what you are going through.  Everyone’s journey looks different, both may be difficult just in different ways.

I pray that if you are journeying through something today and you need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to sit with you that you will reach out to someone you love and trust.  Carrying the burden of life alone isn’t what God intended.  He intended us to have community to lift one another up and to carry one another’s burdens.  We have struggled with having community, so we know what it’s like to feel alone in your struggles.  That is what Satan wants- to isolate you and make you feel alone, less-than, unworthy.  You aren’t alone and if you need someone, Craig and I would consider it an honor to be your community.

The next thing for us right now looks like getting involved with a community of believers seeking the abundant life- not abundance of earthly things, but an abundance of Jesus so that we can pour out into others.  I am grateful for the faith that I have and the God I know now that I wouldn’t have known had I not walked through what He asked me to walk through on October 5, 2018. I pray that I will be found faithful to do what He asks me to do because someone, somewhere is counting on me to do just that.  I pray that Craig and I can continue to demonstrate what faith looks like to our girls and what being the church means- that it isn’t the confines of a building, but to be the hands and feet of Jesus as we turn our eyes upon Jesus.

I pray that this holiday season is one of rest for you.  I pray that if your heart is hurting and you are missing a loved one this Christmas, as we will be missing 2 wonderful men, that God will be tangible presence and will fill the void of pain and heartache with the peace only His presence can bring.  I am eternally grateful that while we were yet sinners, God sent His Son as a baby to earth to become our Redeemer, our Savior who would pay the penalty for my sin and your sin so that we could have a relationship with Him and spend eternity praising Him.  Merry Christmas to you and yours!  Happy Birthday Jesus!