Count It All Joy

“Count it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

Ten minutes before we were pulling out for Makaila’s softball world series, I was running around trying to load all the things into the RV so we could head out.  We had planned it so that we would be there 4 hours before the opening ceremony with enough time to get the RV set up, explore the RV resort, and make it to the opening ceremonies with plenty of time to spare. 

Craig called my name as I was carrying several trays of food and I turned around while walking to see what he wanted.  I met the edge of our driveway (which the concrete is still several inches above the dirt even though we’ve been here 2 years now).  I felt my ankle break as I was falling and landed with all my weight on my left elbow.  The trays landed right side up, however, so at least there was one win.  I wish we had a video because I am sure I would have gone viral.  As I called for Craig, who had turned around and didn’t get to witness me fall in such a fabulous way, I knew I had done something bad.  I was dazed but judging by how fast my ankle had swollen, I knew it couldn’t be good.  I’m not sure how I walked on it to eventually get in the house.  Once I landed on the couch, I knew that an ER visit was going to have to happen before we drove five and a half hours to Destin. 

I can tell you at that moment, I did not count it all joy. I felt so bad that I had set us back and threw a wrench in our week.  We had been playing softball every weekend and were looking forward to redeeming some of the week for family time and vacay fun.

I tried to talk Craig into letting me go to an urgent care in Destin, but he wasn’t obliging.  We were in and out of the Baptist ER in Oakleaf as quickly as possible.  They couldn’t tell if I had broken my elbow or not, so they soft-casted it along with a wonderful gift of a sling.  I had broken my ankle but they didn’t have a boot to give me.  I had one at home I assured them and kept telling them I had to get on the road to get our softball player to the opening ceremony in time.

We hit the road and with the only stop for gas, ended up driving straight to the opening ceremony with 15 minutes to spare. It was a rough week getting in and out of the RV, knee scootering around with only one arm to stabilize, showering, and sitting in the 110-heat index watching our girl do what she loves.  However, there is not another place I would have been.  It was worth the effort to persevere to see her play the game she loves.

It’s hard when we are in the thick of the valley to count it all joy that we are facing a trial.  As Christians, we know that the testing of our faith is how it is refined, but it often doesn’t “feel” good while walking through it.  The past almost five years have been a trial in various ways. My cancer journey hasn’t been linear to healing- there have been so many twists and turns and deeper valleys. The refining wasn’t easy nor fun, but achieved a stronger relationship with my Maker and hopefully made me more like Jesus.

Perseverance is defined as persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. We were made to do hard things.  Sometimes, like most any human, I get tired of the hard.  However, growth happens in the instances in our lives that we must persevere through.  I know I want to model for my girls that you can do hard things even when there aren’t any other options, but you never have to do them alone. The strength we have isn’t our own; it comes from a well that never runs dry. 

F-I-V-E

Makaila’s softball number is 5.  She loved Blake Bortles when she was little and adopted his number as her own in her first season of softball.  I have heard the chant, F-I-V-E, Five, Five, F-I-V-E, Five, Five, Get a hit, get a hit… so many times in the last 6 years that she has been playing.  Little did I know all those years ago that 5 would be a big number for myself as well.

In the oncology world, 5 is a big deal.  Being 5 years cancer free is the industry standard to saying you are in remission or “cured” (although most oncologists never use that word).  I had scans on August 2^nd and results on August 4^th.  It had been a year since I had a chest/abdomen/pelvis CT with bloodwork looking at my tumor markers.  A year feels like an eternity in a survivor’s journey.  After the level of stress endured over the course of the last year, I was very nervous about this appointment.  Stress isn’t good and especially in the life of someone who has had cancer. Lysa TerKeurst stated once in one of the many books of hers I’ve read that she is no longer naïve to the fact that bad things won’t happen.  I understand that on such a deep level. Sometimes God asks us to walk paths that we would have never chosen for ourselves, paths that are immensely difficult and not at all what we want for ourselves or loved ones, that change us and our outlook on life completely.  I am well acquainted with the “even so, He’s still good.”  I remember begging Jesus to let this “cup pass from me,” but if not to help me be found faithful on October 5, 2018 and so many other times in the course of this journey.  Although having walked through metastatic cancer, I truly never want to have to walk that path again. 

My girls went to youth camp with Riverstone Community Church this summer and returned home shortly before my scan appointment.  Satan as usual around scan time was vying for my peace.  They introduced us to a new worship song by Elevation Worship.  I ugly cried after hearing it the first time. It’s called Trust God. The lyrics are as follows:

Blessed Assurance

Jesus is Mine

He’s been my fourth man in the fire time after time…

Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood

And what He did for me on Calvary is more than enough

I trust in God, my Savior
The one who will never fail
He will never fail

Perfect submission, all is at rest
I know the author of tomorrow has ordered my steps
So this is my story and this is my song
Praising my risen King and Savior all the day long…

I sought the Lord and He heard and He answered
I sought the Lord and He heard and He answered
I sought the Lord and He heard and He answered
That’s why I trust Him, that’s why I trust Him

It’s easy to “trust” God when everything is going well and you feel in control.  When life feels outside the realm of your control, it can be hard to trust God. However, when we hit pause and take a step back and trace God’s fingerprints over our life and difficult situation, we can see that He is with us.  Trust isn’t really trust if you know the outcome already.  When we did the trust fall as a kid, you didn’t know the outcome- would your friend or sibling really catch you or not?  Trust involves a leap and faith that they will be there, to catch you.  God is reliable, He is who He says He is.  He may have asked you or allowed you to walk through the fire, but He will be your fourth man in the fire always and will help you not to be burned. If you seek Him, He will hear you and answer you.  It may not be what you want, but it will be His will that He will work together for your good.

I knew heading into my bloodwork and scan appointment, that it was going to be rough.  I felt dehydrated and figured my veins might not cooperate.  They didn’t.  I had to be stuck 3 times for bloodwork.  After the 3^rd blown vein for my IV, the nurse asked me if I was religious.  I answered that I love Jesus.  She instructed me to pray because if she couldn’t get this last vein that she found after 10 minutes of me pumping my fist on a stress ball and 2 arm tourniquets, I was going to have to reschedule.  Well, I prayed like my life depended on it because I has already consumed 2 bottles of that gross radioactive contrast.  I wasn’t about to have to do that twice.  Praise God she was able to get it.  I had to wait 2 days for results and those days of waiting are hard.

The morning of my appointment, I blasted Trust in God by Elevation Worship so loud that I couldn’t hear anything else.  With tears streaming down my face and my hands raised, I placed my trust in God and for this appointment to be His will.

As we pulled into the MD Anderson parking lot, there was an elderly lady walking to her car.  She was clapping her hands and raising them.  Once she got to her car, she did a dance and just raised her face and her hands to the sky.  WHEW!!!  I couldn’t contain the tears running down my face.  God knew I needed to see that.  I rejoiced with her from my seat in my car and praised God for the good news that she likely heard that day!  Praise God for that and the hope she felt that day! Sometimes when we are in the thick of it, we need to be reminded through others that God is still at work.

My oncologist came in and said my scans looked great but that I was missing my tumor markers.  I let him know that I definitely had bloodwork done and had the three bruises from the needle sticks to prove it.  Unfortunately, they didn’t draw that order he informed me.  UGH! Well, if you know me, the minute I was out of that appointment, I headed back to the lab to have it re-drawn even though he said it wasn’t necessary.  For my peace of mind, it surely was.

He told me that in 2 months it will have been 5 years from diagnosis; I love that he thought maybe I didn’t know this.  In his realm, with 5 years of no recurrence of my cancer, he suggested that we move to once a year optional scans.  I didn’t have to continue to scan every year, but I could if I wanted them to check.  The next words out of his mouth have had me digesting and processing them for the last several days.  He said that at this point he thinks that cancer is just historical for me. Cue the tears.  I immediately said, thank you God and maybe I think I’m going to cry.  We talked a little while longer about scanning, bloodwork and some questions I had.

I have been anticipating and praying for this 5 year mark through every hard, scary and trying moment of every passing day since diagnosis. When I began this journey, three years was the goal and then that became five.  Some days I can’t believe that much time has passed- it feels like it was just yesterday that I was in the coldest ER imaginable getting news that ripped the fabric of my life.

I have scans in January for my brain oncologist just 2 days shy of 5 years of my first post-treatment scans that showed no evidence of disease.  I feel like I can almost touch life outside of this chapter.  Although having said that, you never are “on the other side.”  Life is different and so are you. Cancer is something that steals a lot of things from you- naivete that bad things won’t happen to you, friends, family, and shatters your rose-colored glasses.  However, it can also bring things into your life as it did for me- a ministry, new friends, and a depth of faith in a God who is always enough that can’t come from the easy times of life.

If you’ve been around a while, you know that I love worship music and oftentimes that is how God speaks to my heart.  It’s hard to hear the enemy when your Jesus music is at deafening level.  Katy Nicole’s new song Hold On has been on repeat in my head lately.  As I am struggling to manage to dress myself or maneuver around the house or am having scan anxiety or fear of the future, it runs through my head.

Smoke clouds

All around

Couldn’t see Your face

Darkness consumed me

Stuck in bitterness

But I know there’s a light

That’s waiting up ahead

So I’ll stay in the fight

And look to the One who said

Hold on just a little bit longer

I know it’s gonna be okay

These days are gonna make you stronger

You’ll find purpose in the pain

Hold on just a little bit longer

Deep down there’s a well of faith

Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name

Just hold on, hold on

I don’t know what valley or trial you are walking through today.  It may seem insurmountable, and you have no idea how you’ll make it through or even if you will. The future may seem too scary to look ahead to, I understand, I have been there and if I am being honest, still am some days.  What I have found through this painful purpose is that God in His infinite grace, will give you strength to face your trial and persevere.  He will work out what you are walking through for your good even though you have no idea how that is even possible.  If you need someone to walk alongside you and pray for you, please don’t hesitate to reach out whether that is to us (it would be an honor for us) or someone in your life that you can count on to be there.  Prayer has carried us through the most difficult and darkest of journeys and I pray that if you are walking through a valley, that you can feel the prayers of others on your behalf.

I couldn’t have made it this far without the care and love of you carrying me to Jesus every time God causes us to cross your mind or when I reach out and ask.  The infinite gratefulness that we feel cannot be measured.  We love you and are so, so thankful you have been a beautiful, needed part of this journey.